World On Fire
by sdbubbles
Summary: An elderly patient brings a reminder to Serena that her childhood had been a world on fire, leaving Jac to get to the bottom of the bond between the two. "The world is on fire; it's more than I can handle; I dive into the water; I try to give my share; I try to bring more; more than I can handle; bring to the table; more than I am able." - 'World On Fire' by Sarah McLachlan.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I'm not sure where this came from. Just a random idea I expect to be two to maybe four chapters long.**

**Sarah x**

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She sighed as she wandered onto Keller, iPad in hand, as she tried to answer emails and walk at the same time. It was not going well; touchscreens and Serena Campbell were not always the best friends, and when she was tired they were mortal enemies. And this morning she was not only tired, but she feared she had one glass of wine too many last night.

She looked at Edward from across the ward and was somewhat satisfied to see him sneak a couple of paracetamol. He was suffering too. Served him right, since she was almost certain he had gone home with Mary-Claire Carter last night. With a smirk to herself she set the iPad down.

Her smirk faded as he approached her. "You're wanted on Darwin," he informed her, and she was surprised at his clipped tone.

"Wake up in the wrong bed this morning?" she quipped.

"Don't you mean 'wrong side of the bed,' Serena?" he grumbled and took a swig of his coffee.

She looked him straight in the face. "No." Annoyed already she walked away to the lift, secretly thankful for whatever issue there was on Darwin as it cut her time around an irritable Edward by a yet to be seen level. She was in no mood to put up with him. Even Darwin, a warzone of the personal and professional alike, was more appealing than her native homes of Keller and AUU – she was also in no mood for the dramas of the younger doctors on AUU.

She stepped out on Darwin, immediately abducted by Jac Naylor. "Seventy-eight year-old woman, had a mild heart attack and fell down the stairs," she explained.

"And you need me because?" Serena demanded.

"Because we need a GS consultant to see to her possibly damaged spleen," retorted Jac. "If you're too busy, I'll get Michael," she snapped impatiently.

"No, it's fine."

Serena strode forward, feeling slightly guilty for the way she had spoken to Jac. It wasn't her fault she was putting up with her stressful ex-husband, a stressful job and an even more stressful daughter. She wandered past Jonny and a nurse she was yet to learn the name of, though they looked cosy. Well, that explained Jac's impatient mood. Serena wished Jac and Jonny would just decide what they were doing and get on with it; this miscommunication and inability to share how they felt was no good to anyone.

Without looking she stalked into the patient's room. "I hear you've taken quite the tumble," she smiled, rubbing alcohol gel into her hands without even looking up. She was beginning to find herself continually rushed off her feet. It felt like every day she got up earlier and went to sleep later, leaving her constantly tired on some degree. And the staff weren't helping matters, either, with their thoughtless actions and stupid ideas.

"I've taken worse," the woman replied. Her subtly Scottish accent made Serena look up. She was suddenly ten years old again, and the woman before her was in her early forties as they sat outside with books and paper and pens, the sun beating on her back and the cool coastal wind blowing across her face.

"Mrs. Munro?" Serena said hesitantly. Not entirely sure she was right, she squinted slightly at the patient. She looked at the board behind the old retired teacher and saw she was right – her name as Jan Munro, her nurse was Jonny Maconie and her CT consultant was Jac Naylor.

"Yes," she answered. Serena noticed Jac shoot a glance between the two; she had not told Serena the woman's name, only why she was here.

"Serena Cam-McKinnie," she corrected herself, remembering that Jan Munro would remember her as tiny, short Serena McKinnie. "Serena McKinnie. You-"

"I taught you," Mrs. Munro supplied with a slight smile. "Primary six and seven, until you moved back to Surrey."

"Oh, good," Jac rolled her eyes. "You know each other." Serena withheld her smile at Jac's unfailing impatience.

Mrs. Munro looked at Jac. "I tend to remember all my pupils, darling. Many years of having to learn thirty new names at a time can do that to a person."

"I'm sure I'm one you would rather forget," Serena snorted, looking through her notes quickly, and seeing the test results on Jac's iPad. She remembered being a well-mannered child, but had always felt she was a burden to everyone and anyone who was meant to be responsible for her and for anything that may have happened to her.

"Nonsense."

Serena smirked slightly. "Now you're lying through your teeth. I know I can be...difficult. Just ask Miss Naylor here." She looked around Jac, knowing she agreed with Serena's knowledge of herself.

"I've not seen you since you were eleven years old, and at that point you weren't as bad as you always thought," Mrs. Munro smiled. "I'm glad to see you've grown a wee bit." Serena raised an eyebrow at her quip, remembering was a short, skinny child she had been. It had not helped that she had been physically impeded by a leg that protested with agony when it felt it was being abused; annoyingly, its idea of abuse had not been everyone else's.

"Yes, though unfortunately out the way rather than up the way," Serena answered back. She pulled up the thin sleeves of her shirt and started to feel Mrs. Munro's abdomen; though they were long past the stage of school, Serena could not think of her as anything but Mrs. Munro. "Yeah, do a scan to check but I think it's going to have to come out," she informed Jac.

The old woman in front of her was not the woman in Serena's memories, but at the same time there was no mistaking her. She was formidable, even now as she lay in a hospital bed after a heart attack, frail and thirty-five years older than Serena remembered. Her blonde hair was now grey, her face more lined than she recalled. But she still held the authority and pride that silenced a class of twenty-seven children every day.

Serena allowed her a slight smile and left, Jac hot at her heels, as fast as her expanding pregnant body would let her. "You know, she's not from around here," Jac said. "She's-"

"Scottish," Serena cut across the redhead, turning to face her colleague. "Yes, Miss Naylor, well spotted." Jac's expression was strange; if pregnancy was making her soft, Serena wasn't going to be happy. Jac was one of the only people around here who was actually in possession of a backbone and, even better, knew how to use it. "What are you getting at?"

"Well, she's got nobody here for her, and you're a familiar face."

Serena let out a short laugh. "I'm hardly 'familiar.' I haven't seen her since I was eleven."

Jac's eyes narrowed slightly, her stare going right through Serena. "There's more to all this than you're telling," Jac accused quietly. As much as she wanted to, speaking with Mrs. Munro was not a good idea. That was why she was deflecting what she knew Jac was trying to suggest. There was too much ground covered and to cover. There was much left unfinished and that could now never be finished.

"There isn't," Serena replied. "I just have a lot of work to do." It wasn't a lie. Well, it was. It was a rationalisation – she was lying to herself more than she was to Jac, so she didn't feel so bad.

Jac sighed and shrugged, walking back to her office. She left Serena in a slight daze; she had tried to forget the time she spent on the east coast of Scotland as a child. Between the ages of seven and eleven she had lived in Angus and gone to school outside Montrose, with her parents both working full time, or so she had been told – it had been a strange time for Serena, who, at the time, had no idea why they were there or why they so abruptly left.

To make it better, primary school had never been a great place for Serena. She had been the misfit who couldn't run, far too short for her age and more mature than any child of that age usually was. She could never do P.E. or play games in the playground. She was therefore intensely academic and musical where her peers had been athletic.

She was still academic though she had lost her musicality over time. There were things Serena didn't want dredged up. There was such a difference between her now and back then that she could hardly recognise herself, yet everything she had been through had helped build her to be who she now was. During her teenage years she had rebelled but as a young adult she had merely accepted the person she was.

Then she had been changed again by marriage, motherhood and eventually divorce, though the foundations Jan Munro had built for her remained, and without them she would have amounted to nothing. In all honesty, Serena probably owed her career to that woman.

But not all had been sweet and simple, as Serena had realised when she grew up a little. There had been things Serena had blocked out, parts of her life she was only beginning to understand as she left the area.

The blur at home was steadied by school where, though she was a misfit of sorts, she felt comfortable. In the family home there had always been a tension that could have been cut with a butter knife. People flitted through her home, gone as quickly as they arrived, often without introduction. To them she was invisible, to be ignored. To be seen when it could not be avoided but never heard.

And Jan Munro had known about it.

She had known why Serena wasn't able to run and why she was overly mature. She knew Serena, in the intellectual, emotional and psychological senses, usually fended for herself. She knew her mother had probably told the teacher the basics of the situation, but Serena probably – as an occasionally naïve child – let slip the bulk of it.

So when Mrs. Munro had helped shape her into true solidity and independence, to be the woman she was now, didn't Serena owe her a few minutes to just make sure the woman, now as alone herself as Serena had been as a little girl and many times since, was alright. But she couldn't. So she turned and stood at the lift, trying not to look back; she was determined that the next time she would see the woman would be in theatre.

But the human part of her told her off for her crass heartlessness, reminding her that she was the only person in this place Mrs. Munro had ever known, even if it had been so many years ago that it made Serena feel rather ancient.

The doors opened and Serena stepped in, and when she looked out just before the box closed again, she caught Jac's suspicious and perhaps even slightly concerned gaze at her. Serena was quickly learning that the younger woman was seeing more around her than she said.

It wasn't Mrs. Munro she was scared of. It was what she represented, and the time from which she came. Serena only hoped she would understand that, and see why her former pupil was choosing to keep a distance, despite the fairly close bond they had struck up at school. Her quite vague memories of their conversations and their chosen alternative to P.E reminded her that she had a place in this world as a child she didn't have now, and that she had only been given that because the woman lying in that hospital bed had made the effort where others had dismissed her.

With a resigned sigh, Serena rammed her finger onto the '6' button so hard it actually hurt.

She could not dismiss the woman. It wasn't right.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to leave me a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: HELLO. I'm not sure about this chapter, so sorry if it's crap. Thanks as always to everyone who has read and reviewed :)**

**In answer to guest reviewer's questions - I have no idea if there is a Scottish element to Serena's family. It's just what I've written in a couple of stories. This story, however, is nothing to do with anyone being Scottish or otherwise. It's about what, up until a couple of years ago, stood in the area involved.**

**Sarah x**

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Jac's head turned when she saw Serena stalk impatiently back onto the ward, and smirked to herself when she went into Mrs. Munro's room. She had known even Serena Campbell could be successfully guilt tripped. If truth be told, Jac was quite curious. Serena had never mentioned – to her, anyway – anything about her life before Holby. Not even Edward, and he was downstairs presumably driving her mad, for Christ's sake.

She hadn't had any reason to, but now an element of the child who became the woman was on the ward, and Jac could see a difference in Serena. Towards this woman she was unfailingly respectful and yet impudent at the same time. The Serena Campbell who walked onto this ward earlier was changed, and Jac wanted to know why.

Jonny stood behind her as she stared into the room, watching with intent as Serena sat down next to Jan Munro and started talking to her; it was clear Mrs. Munro was in charge from the way Serena respectfully let her speak for longer than she allowed anyone else, even her own mother.

As annoyed as she currently was with Jonny, there was something she needed to know and he was the one who could answer her question. "How old are you in Primary Six in Scotland?" she asked him.

"Um, usually nine going on ten," he replied. "Why?"

Jac tried to imagine a nine-year-old Serena Campbell, and it wasn't going well. The unsaid consensus among many was that the woman had been dropped here by aliens one night, or else developed in a lab specifically to force junior doctors grow a spine, willing or otherwise. The likes of Harry Tressler, Gemma Wilde and Arthur Digby could surely vouch for that last theory.

"No reason," she lied. She wandered into Mrs. Munro's room with a guise of checking her meds.

"You should have told me when Mrs. Socha's funeral was," Serena said lightly. "I would have gone."  
Mrs. Munro laughed slightly. "There hasn't been one, Serena."

Serena laughed incredulously. "You can't be telling me that old bat is still kicking about."

"Oh, yes. Ninety-seven and still as mad as a box of frogs." Serena was smiling, but it was tinged with a strange glazed look in her eyes, like she was knocked for six. "Oh, yes," Mrs. Munro repeated, clearly reminiscing about the woman in question. She was old and ill, but Jac could see a glimpse of the woman Serena had once known – strong, kind, intelligent and passionate. The embers remained as the fire started to slowly die, leaving the evidence of the life that burned.

"Christ," Serena sighed. "I remember being in her class in Primary Five. She was off her head!" she laughed. "Used to sit and tell us 'The Cat and the Canary' and us all eight and nine years old. Freaked one of the boys out, too. His eyes were like dinner plates."

Mrs. Munro let out a weak chuckle; she was definitely fading, and Jac couldn't help but think she wasn't going to make it out of here. She looked like she was just waiting.

"You know, I'm so proud of what you've achieved, Serena," Mrs. Munro said unexpectedly. "I always said you would make a good life for yourself, despite everything. Your stubborn determination doesn't allow for failure."

Jac watched as Serena's expression changed into one of a haunted woman whose ghosts were circling her. She cleared her throat and decided to rescue Serena - "Ms. Campbell? A word, please?" Serena darted to her feet with an expression of slight relief, barely visible behind the mask Jac was seeing crack. Outside the door, Jac said, "I didn't realise you'd feel so uncomfortable. If you want to go..."

"No, it's OK," Serena smiled, her face quite pained now that she wasn't having to hide it in front of their patient. "I'm here now, aren't I? And like you said, she doesn't have anyone else. Husband's dead and her son lives in Canada."

Jac stared at her for a moment. "OK. What school did you go to in Scotland then?" she asked, both to show an interest and get some information as to what was going on.

"Craigo Primary," Serena reluctantly replied. "It's outside Montrose. I was there from Primary Four until halfway through Primary Seven, therefore I arrived there at the age of seven and stayed until I was eleven. Does that answer your questions?"

Jac was slightly taken aback by Serena's direct and borderline angry answer. She wasn't usually like this; she wasn't usually so on edge, like she was protecting herself. Jac had never seen the older woman like this before, and she wasn't sure she was a great fan of this side to Serena. The look in her eyes was so defensive it was almost frightening. The dark brown was marred by an unusual darkness Jac had never seen before.

Jac just gave a slight nod and let her colleague return to the patient. She dragged her body over to the nurses' station and sat down, seeing through the blinds that Serena was wearing a forced smile. Jac didn't like this. She didn't like it one bit; she couldn't help but think this was hurting Serena more than she let on, and that it wasn't an at all welcome reappearance in her life. On the surface she looked happy enough but Jac couldn't let herself buy into that, knowing all too well what could lie beneath the surface of a person who smiled.

"What's eatin' ya, Naylor?" Mo's voice asked happily.

Jac turned to face her; she hesitated in telling Mo, not wanting to break Serena's confidence, but it was worrying her now. "Why would a family move from the south of England to the north-east of Scotland for three and a bit years just to move back to Surrey again? What's there that would make them move all that way and then back again a few years later?"

"Dunno," Mo sighed. "Why?"

Jac stared through the blinds for a moment longer. "No reason."

Mo shrugged. "Jonny might know."

"I doubt it."

"Suit yourself."

Frustrated, Jac hit the shift key on the computer with unnecessary force. Not knowing was a hatred of hers, because it left no room for preparation, which left no room for a safety net when everything inevitably blew up in _someone's_ face. She wasn't sure why, but she felt compelled to find the truth. Maybe it was because that bond was no normal teacher-pupil bond. It was stronger than that.

The problem was that Serena wasn't outwardly showing any signs of being hurt or lost, other than her snappy retorts, though half the hospital would probably decide she was just hungover. There was nothing for Jac to actually call her out on, because she only saw it when she looked closely.

"Jac," a man's voice called out to her. "Serena still here?" It was Edward – if Serena was hungover then he was obviously dying.

"No," Jac instinctively lied. She didn't know why she did it; it was a stupid thing to do, considering she had seen and spoken to Serena, who could bee see through the blinds. But Edward was too hungover to even look and seemed to take her word for it. She would have asked him what she asked Mo – he may even have known what went on – but she didn't want to risk being caught out on her lie.

He turned and walked away, and Jac was left wondering why the man was looking for his ex-wife. It crossed her mind that he had heard Mrs. Munro was here, knew who she was and that was his subtle way of asking if Serena had been up here sniffing around. Jac knew Serena well enough to know she would only tell him to leave her alone, because, in case he didn't realise, a divorce meant her life was not his concern. She could just hear it in her mind as she looked over at Serena again.

Jac opened the search engine on the computer and searched for what Serena had said – Craigo. There wasn't much information available, just that it was an old village. She opened the maps and searched for it; it was on the border between Angus and Aberdeenshire. What an odd place for a family to move to. There was nothing there. The nearest town – Montrose – was five miles away. There was only a primary school, a few houses, a river and an old railway station.

"They've got a slot in Radiology for Mrs. Munro in half an hour," Zosia March informed her; Jac turned and nodded as Zosia peered into the screen. "Planning a holiday, Miss Naylor?" she asked.

"No," Jac retorted sharply. She wasn't in the mood for Zosia's arrogance today; she was determined to find out what was going on with Serena, and if Zosia was going to hinder her efforts she would be told in no uncertain terms where to go.

"Craigo," Zosia persisted; Jac heard the curiosity in her voice. "That's up in Scotland, isn't it?"

"Yes." Jac glared at her for sitting down next to her. F1s were not her favourite breed of human beings, and in particular, this one annoyed her. The approach the young doctor often took was questionable at best, and the lack of respect she showed for Elliot, Mo and even Jonny really quite irritating. But, realising Zosia could offer a fresh perspective where Mo had just shrugged her shoulders, Jac asked her, "Can you think of any reason a family would have moved there in the 1970s?"

"Not really," Zosia admitted. "It's not exactly thriving."

"I'd noticed," Jac snapped. "But there must be a reason. Is there an industry around that area?"

"It's quite near the coast so there's all that stuff. And there's a maltings in Hillside," Zosia explained. How did she know the area?

Jac thought on it for a moment. Serena's family weren't the labouring kind. That much seemed obvious to her, but she could have been mistaken. Serena was very much an academic – fishing and engineering weren't her thing, and it wouldn't have been her mother's either. Jac knew nothing of her father, though, so for all she knew, he could have been out at sea or running a malting plant. But she couldn't see it, really. There would have been shops and stuff in Montrose, but again, Jac couldn't see it being their type of thing. The nearest hospitals would have been the infirmary in Montrose, or Ninewells in Dundee. She knew that much. She didn't even know if medicine ran in Serena's family.

"Wouldn't have been their thing. I would have thought they were more likely to be in medicine or university education or something," Jac explained.

"Well, there's the hospitals and universities in Aberdeen and Dundee, but I can't see why they would choose to live there. There are plenty of villages far closer." Just then, a look of realisation crossed her face. "Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"Zoom out a little," Zosia commanded. With a glare for her tone Jac obeyed, showing more of the area. To the north lay Marykirk, and to the south lay Hillside. Zosia's finger pointed out one landmark. "Sunnyside." Jac said nothing, waiting for an explanation. "It was a psychiatric hospital. They closed it in 2011 and moved all the patients to a new unit at Stracathro. Up until that point, it was the oldest mental hospital in Scotland."

"So you think one of this lot worked in this Sunnyside Hospital?" Jac quizzed, seeing that Zosia was quite clued up not only about the future of psychiatry, but its history too. "As a psychiatrist?" It did fit, Jac internally admitted. It was the sort of thing that Jac would have thought plausible in Serena's family. It would also explain why they lived there; it was only just down the road.

Zosia shrugged. "Just a thought." With that she walked away, leaving Jac, yet again, with more questions than answers about the situation in the next room.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to leave me a review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This was meant to be a lot more traumatic but I held back a little. As always, thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed. AND. AND. AND. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BROOKE! :D**

**Sarah x**

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Serena sat in silence as Mrs. Munro was wheeled away for her scan; she had known that it was a bad idea to involve herself. But she already was involved, so her mere presence was enough to open a box of horrors.

She remembered suddenly that the likelihood was that she would have to operate on the woman, too, which did nothing to help calm her nerves. The prospect frightened her slightly as she tried to find a way to worm out of it. But with Ric and Sacha backed up on AAU, Malick gone and Michael's list full, she didn't have much choice unless she wanted to risk Harry, Gemma, Zosia or Digby making a right mess of it – and that was a risk she was definitely unwilling to take.

She could make a swap with Ric or Michael but not without explaining herself. There were too many things she could not speak of and too much ground she did not want to cross, and especially not with those two. They read her too well and even if they did not get it out of her, there would surely see a difference in her and go straight to Edward for answers the man did not have. There were things she had felt unable to speak to anyone about, even her own husband.

Wandering eerie wards had never been fun, even more so when she was not quite old enough to understand why nobody seemed ill in a hospital. She remembered the still of the silence and the echo of her footsteps, eventually feeling like the walls were closing in around her when she spent one hour too many in that godforsaken place.

She jumped slightly when there were footsteps at the door. She turned to find Edward standing there, leaning against the doorpost. "Oh, go away," she moaned. "I'm not in the mood to put up with you."

"What's put you in a grump?" he demanded.

"Your face," she snapped; she knew the retort was immature but if it got rid of him then she didn't mind sounding like a petulant child. But, Edward being irritating Edward, he advanced slowly forward to stand next to her. "What are you after?"

"Nothing. I just want to know you're OK."

His words made her turn her head to look at him. "Why wouldn't I be?" she demanded quietly.

"You've been AWOL for two hours. And you had Jac Naylor lie for you," he added.

"Where I go is none of your business and I did not ask Jac to do anything of the sort," she instantly dismissed him. "Just do what you do best and walk away." Her own hostility startled her; her conscious effort to push him out was abnormal. Her mind and her rationality always did it with no effort from her. But he did not walk away, so she stood up and faced him with her full height. "Let me get this straight. When I need you, you run. When I was rid of you, you choose to stay and annoy me."

Edward just shrugged his shoulders.

"Ugh. You always were useless with a hangover," she informed him bitterly. She forced her way past him, wondering why he even gave a damn. It was a time in her life that was forbidden from discussion. A time she had managed to block out for well over thirty years. She made her way to the stairs, stopping on the landing to regain her emotional equilibrium. Her control was slipping and she _knew_ Edward, whether he knew it or not, had the ability to pull it completely from her.

Her grip tightened on the banister until her knuckles were white and she found herself struggling to push it all back. She felt dizzy like she used as a child, wandering down the deserted corridors, or else sitting outside the study or the living room, silently listening in on her mother's conversations only to find she wished she had heeded the warnings about eavesdroppers never hearing anything they liked.

The smallest thing could make all hell break loose, the blanket of control over the situation vanishing at the flip of a switch. She had witnessed volatility in a frightening form, caught up in what she hadn't understood. And it had nearly killed them all. She was now unable to move forward or retrace her steps; she was frozen in time and place, trying to remember why she had ever involved herself at the age of eleven in something that had proved dangerous for her and fatal for another.

A hand fell onto her back and she startled slightly. "You OK?" a familiar voice said to her. He pulled her down to sit on the top step. "You look like you might pass out."

"Yeah, I'm fine, Ric," she sighed. It was a lie, but how was she meant to say what she was thinking? "Just skipped breakfast," she lied.

"No, you didn't," he contradicted, and her head snapped around at his words to see his slight smirk. "I happen to have seen you with an apple turnover at nine this morning. Which means you're lying to me," he added sternly. She flinched slightly as his hand fell onto hers; it was odd. It never usually bothered her. But she remembered a large hand in hers at that moment, and the howl of the coastal wind that rattled through her. "Why are you lying?"

She couldn't answer him, but she answered in her own mind with the image of her opening bedroom window followed by masses of police and paramedics followed by a coffin and a gravestone she had not seen since she was eleven. It hurt to even think of these things. She looked at Ric's face and saw he was truly concerned; what was her face and body language giving away? She had never known her own tells, and she wished she had learned what they were. Only then would she be completely infallible.

She could only tell him the bare minimum – what could not break her. "The patient Jac called me up for is my old teacher," Serena admitted. He looked intrigued and curious, waiting for her to continue. "I went to school in Scotland for a few years when I was a little girl and she was my teacher. And, oh, I don't know..." she trailed away. "I guess she's just brought a lot of old memories."

"Good or bad?" questioned Ric. Serena only shrugged her shoulders as Edward had done, not willing to discern what was good and bad about that stage of her life.

"Why do you care?" she demanded slowly.

"Because I have the misfortune of working with you for the foreseeable future," he grinned. "And I'd like to be able to prepare myself for whatever kind of mood you may be in." She shook her head and allowed him a smile as she slapped his leg for his impudence. "But seriously, Serena. Are you going to be OK?"

"Am I ever not OK?" she demanded quietly. Her gaze met his and she realised suddenly that she had to make a deal. She couldn't do this operation. "I need a favour."

"Go on."  
"I need you to do Mrs. Munro's splenectomy."

"Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"Because I don't want to risk messing it up," she admitted. "I don't want her blood on my hands." He looked shocked at the admission that even Serena Campbell had a mountain of self-doubt within her. "Please, Ric. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't..."

"Desperate?" he finished for her. She nodded, confessing her desperation both to Ric and to herself. He seemed to think it through before sighing, "Alright. As long as you promise to answer any issues on AAU in my absence." She immediately nodded again in agreement. That had been too easy. He must have seen her torn conscience past her walls.

"Thank you," she smiled slightly at him. "I owe you."  
"Oh, yes," he smirked. "Now, I have to get back to AAU before it falls apart." He stood up and spared her one last glance before he left her to stare up out of the window. The grey clouds started forming relentlessly above, threatening the area with a storm.

Storms were one thing that brought it all back; as a child she remembered sitting in the sodden grass as the rain started to sheet down and the wind screamed at her that she had to go home, as if she could even find her way through that harsh darkness surrounding her.

The train had just gone past, taking a life with it, as she had sat in silent horror. It was then she realised that the people in that hospital were not ill. They were insane. Mortally so. And it was only because of her own sense of self-preservation that she had not died a child there with him. A life was lost on the tracks and it would not have been had she not followed. Had she remained in her bed that night, he may not have died.

If she had screamed like she had so wanted to as a figure climbed in her bedroom window, he may not have died. He may have just been taken back to where he was safe. But she had not. Instead she had been overjoyed to see him, and willing to follow him anywhere if it meant she could be normal for a little while. Her instinct had failed her and him.

She had effectively killed him, despite what those who loved her tried to impress on her.

The woman who had picked her up from the side of the tracks had not been her mother but a woman she recognised as her teacher. Her voice had vaguely told her everything was alright but even at that age Serena had known it was not. She had known a life was gone and an innocence lost, and that she would never be able to forget.

"I shouldn't have gone with him," she said to herself, hearing her cracked voice echo through the staircase. "Stupid, stupid girl," she muttered to herself. She had found over the years that she felt the need to berate herself for her naivety and stupidity.

"Gone with who?" Jac's voice rang out. Serena looked around to find Edward and Jac behind her, both with their arms folded across their chests.

Serena froze. Edward walked around her as her eyes followed him until he stood over her a couple of stirs below. Jac stood at her side, leaving her feeling ambushed and trapped. "Serena?" Edward asked her gently. "Who shouldn't you have gone with? Why are you stupid?"

Serena opened her mouth to speak but her brain failed her. She couldn't string a sentence together. She stood up in front of him, taller than him only because of her raised footing. He would not break her again. He would not make her acknowledge the blood on her hands or the scar on her memory. She turned away from him with a sharp glare at Jac.

"Where do you think you're going?!" the redhead snapped.

"I'm going to wait," she replied simply. "I owe her that much." She felt a hand wrapped tightly around her wrist but yanked it away with all the force she possessed. The last thing she needed was her ex-husband finding out she had unwittingly taken another's life. She had not actively or intentionally done so, but she had allowed it to happen and that was bad enough. She didn't want Jac and Edward to hate her as she knew they would if they ever knew anything of that night.

She stalked away without a backwards glance and busied herself with making Mrs. Munro's bed back up. It was something to do and something to calm her nerves down a little, if only for a while.

It was only when she sat down with nothing left to do that she saw the bloodied man who had mercilessly haunted her teenage years standing in the corner.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I don't like this chapter much :/ but I can't rewrite it again or it will just piss me off because I've already had a crap day. Thanks as always to everyone who has read and reviewed so far! :)**

**Sarah x**

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Jac sat in her office, seeing again the look on Serena's face. It was frightened and lost in a place she clearly didn't want to be. Jac couldn't help but feel slight guilty; she had, after all, persuaded Serena to stay when she had wanted to leave. She should have known there had been a reason. Whether she shared it or not, Serena almost always had a reason.

There was a light tap at the door. Jac cleared her throat and called out, "Come in!" A moment later, in stepped the one person Serena would definitely be unhappy to see: Edward. And he was worried. His usual arrogance had abandoned him in the face of the prospect that his ex-wife was actively hiding something from him and everyone else she knew. "Ah, Mr. Campbell," she smiled. "I don't think we need a gas monkey right now but thanks for stopping by."

He ignored her barb and sat down. "What's going on?" he demanded.

"I have_ no_ idea," she admitted; she went into her drawer and pulled out a bar of chocolate. "She's been funny all morning."

"Who's the woman?" he asked. Jac was genuinely surprised he didn't know who it was. She had expected him to be in on everything, not to be even more in the dark than she was.

"Serena's teacher from primary school," Jac said. "Her being here, it's freaked Serena out but she won't leave her side."

"She always was a bit of a glutton for punishment," Edward sighed hopelessly. "Doesn't do herself any favours, does she?" He had a point; if she had any sense at all, Serena would have been off this ward like a shot rather than coming back as quick as she left.

Jac eyed him suspiciously. How could the man have been married to a woman he clearly didn't even know properly? "So you don't know anything about it?" Jac concluded with as little hope as Edward had surmised Serena's ability to put herself through the wringer. "Nothing at all?"

"No," he admitted. "She's never mentioned primary school or going away with anyone, and I've never seen her so jumpy, either."

"Never?"

"Never."

Jac searched his face and attempted to discern whether or not he was telling the truth; she would not put it past Edward to lie if he thought it was in Serena's best interests. But all she saw was confusion; was this version of Serena the one he had married, or was she one hidden from him for the many years they must have known each other? That is, if they had really known each other at all. By all accounts he had cheated on her, and she seemed to have hidden a part of herself from him.

Frustrated, Jac snapped, "Why the hell were you two even married?!" It was a mere moment before she regretted it. She hadn't expected words to wound him like his eyes betrayed. "Sorry," she muttered. The word coming out of her mouth was nothing short of a miracle. She hoped even Edward, fairly new to this place, would have known apologies were few and far between from Jac Naylor. But since he was as confused as she was, she decided to swallow her pride and cut him a little slack.

"Because I love her," he said quietly. "That's why I married that madwoman."

Jac studied him closely at the use of the last word. "What do you mean by that?" she asked. He looked like he would have given anything to take that back.

"I know I said she was never jumpy," he began. "But she could be...unpredictable. She's even hit me in fear before. That look in her eyes was the same as it is now," he explained.

"She's hit you?" Jac repeated incredulously.

"Yeah," Edward sighed. "It wasn't domestic abuse or anything like that. It was only very occasionally, and only when she thought – mistakenly, might I add – that I would hurt her," he said firmly. "But I loved her anyway, because one flaw couldn't put me off her."

"And you never questioned her actions?" Jac demanded hotly. Hormonal temper rising at his stupidity, she half-shouted, "You never questioned why she immediately disabled you before you even got a chance to hurt her? She does it all the time! Granted, she doesn't hit people, but she shuts them down before they can say or do anything wrong!"

"Of course I did!" he shouted back at her. "But it was like getting blood out of a stone! The same with Adrienne. Whatever it was, they never spoke of it, and they did their utmost to keep it from me! So of course I had my doubts! I must have asked her a hundred times why she lashed out!"

"You should have tried harder," Jac informed him coldly. He didn't seem to get the message very well; she watched him as he asserted silently that he had given Serena his best before playing away and giving up. "Come with me," she ordered him. He did not stand up as she did. "_Now_," she growled. It was enough to force him out of his seat. He followed her to the ward and stood with her as she gazed into Mrs. Munro's room.

It was bizarre to see a Serena who was the underling, the bond between her and the woman she was talking to like none she had seen between Serena and any other person. And Edward knew it. "Even with her mother she tries to be the boss," he commented quietly. "Why isn't she being..." he trailed away, obviously unable to find the right word for his ex-wife's normal temperament. "Why isn't she _trying_?"

Jac found herself scrutinising Serena's every move as she smiled lightly, keeping Mrs. Munro talking and laughing weakly. Every so often she looked away and back again with fear like Jac had never seen in her before.

Bonnie passed her with a bright smile. "Hey, are you going to do Mrs. Munro's obs?" Edward halted her.

"Yeah," she replied.

"Tell you what. You look rushed off your feet," Edward smiled; his charm was almost disarming. "So I'll do that and you go get yourself a coffee and a giant slab of chocolate cake." Bonnie glanced at Jac, clearly unsure if she was to do as Edward, almost unknown to the nurse, said. Jac only rolled her eyes with a slight nod. Bonnie smiled and shrugged her shoulders before she pulled her phone out of her pocket and sauntered to the lifts.

Jac watched in slight horror as Edward proceeded into the room with a rather arrogant smile. She followed him hastily and tried to figure out if this was his way of getting it out of Serena.

With an uneasy smile Jac stood behind Edward and silently mouthed to Serena, "Sorry!"

Serena shook her head in bitter acceptance and looked away from them to the corner of the room; Jac glanced at the point the woman's eyes were fixed to. There was nothing there but an empty corner, and yet she looked haunted by it. Nobody spoke until Mrs. Munro broke the awkward silence. "So, who is this handsome man?" she asked with a smirk.

"Edward Campbell. One of our anaesthetists," Serena replied, her voice hollow and without the sarcastic humour she usually gained introducing Edward. She saw Edward's face and added, "Oh, I might as well tell you before he does. He's my ex-husband as well."

"You married a Campbell?" Mrs. Munro asked with a slight smirk. "Did I teach you nothing, my dear?" she let out a weak laugh.

"Yes, well, they say you learn best by experience," Serena retorted quickly. Jac watched as Serena met Edward's gaze; it was with astonishment that she watched as the harsh self-loathing in those dark brown eyes softened by a marginal yet momentous amount upon meeting his clear blue stare. "Anyway. I have to admit he's one of the more decent ones. For a Campbell, anyway. He's put up with me long enough," she added. Her silent exchange with Edward was darkly significant.

This was the first time Jac had been able to just stand there and observe the ex-couple. Of course, this situation was far from normal but Jac still did not miss the concern and perhaps the ghost of love penetrating the walls between them. Edward cleared his throat. "I'm just here to check your obs myself in case you do need surgery. I like to know what I'm dealing with in advance," he blatantly lied. If there was something Jac knew Edward was not to be famed for, it was his love for preparation. The look on Serena's face said it all.

Serena stood up. "Excuse me," she falsely smiled at Mrs. Munro; Jac felt her wrist behind pulled by Serena; she was doing the same to her ex-husband, yanking them out the door. Though she realised Jac fairly gently, Edward was pushed a good few feet away from them. "What do you think you're doing?!" she hissed at them. Well, at Edward. Whatever was going on in her head, she seemed to see fit to take it out on Edward.

"Preparing for the likelihood of surgery since Ric told me he's doing it and I'm the consultant anaesthetist on his ward," Edward replied calmly.

Serena let out a harsh, bitter laugh. "Please! You've never prepared for anything in your life." Edward sighed and Jac watched him reign in his frustrations, leaving Jac to face Serena's wrath. "And you!" she said. "How dare you allow him to do this?!" Jac opened her mouth to speak but never got the chance. "This is _your_ ward, Miss Naylor. You are a CT consultant and he is just the guy who knocks them out. You don't normally have a problem with pulling rank!" she ranted.

Annoyed at Serena's tone, Jac levelly retorted, "If you've got a problem then deal with it. Don't take it out on me." Serena was clearly taken aback by Jac's reaction, but she should have known better. Surely she knew that Jac Naylor didn't take that kind of crap, not even from her superiors. "Edward has every right to check on Mrs. Munro and you know it."

Serena glanced away, her eyes locked on the lifts. Jac looked and, again, found nothing out of the ordinary. Was Serena seeing something other could not? A figment of her own mind? "Serena?" asked Edward quietly. His hand fell onto her shoulder, his thumb tracing her collar bone, making Jac realise that, actually, Edward really did love Serena.

"Don't touch me," Serena muttered. With disdain in his eyes he let his hand drop as Serena turned her back on them and returned to Mrs. Munro. It was almost painful for Jac to watch them. There was more lost and broken between the two of them than she had ever realised, and enough cracks now visible to see that the end of their marriage had, just maybe, not been _all_ Edward's fault.

"She's seeing things," Jac whispered, just loud enough for Edward to hear. "I'm sure of it. That's the third time I've seen her do that in under an hour."

It was with steely determination in his face that Edward stalked into that room and tried to gently pull her from her seat. It was plain to see he had had enough of watching Serena in a kind of pain he must have seen before. Jac stood at the open door as Edward's hand hooked around Serena's upper arm. "Edward, I'm warning you now. Touch me again and you'll regret it," she cautioned him. Her eyes were closed, like she was blocking out the world outside and locking herself in.

"Serena, you know he won't hurt you," Mrs. Munro pointed out. "I know it must be a nuisance, but if he needs to talk to you, just go with him."

Feeling the tension rise, Jac stepped into the room. "I know what he wants to talk about," Serena said, her voice repressed and intentionally placid. "I refuse to let him do that to me."

"Do what to you, darling?" the old woman asked gently. Serena did not answer but Jac saw her become more uptight as Edward's hand did not move. Upon their patient's face spread a look of realisation and worry. "Edward, let her go," Mrs. Munro ordered him. "You have to trust me. It won't do any good."

But Edward was not willing to let his ex-wife sink. That much was obvious as he tried to yank Serena up by the arm. In a split second she was on her feet, and Jac heard the sickening crunch of a fist on a jaw as Edward staggered back and lost his footing, stumbling to the floor.

"Serena, no!" Mrs. Munro shouted. "Come on. Calm down!" she commanded, calm and collected as she reached out for Serena's hand; she had done this before. Mrs. Munro had dealt with this side to Serena before. Jac could see it a mile away.

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**Hope this is alright!  
Please feel free to leave me a review and tell me what you think of it!  
Sarah x**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This is kind of the turning point, though I warn you that it might upset you, depending if you're more emotional and sensitive than I am. Thanks again to everyone who has read and reviewed!**

**Sarah x**

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Time and fear froze around Serena as she realised she had just knocked Edward to the floor with a single punch. The strength her body possess in desperation was always intriguing to her, if only because it was the opposite to who she knew she was. Who she had consciously made herself to be. But she could only be that person she knew when she had control over her own mind – something she was struggling to retain.

A hand was in hers and she looked around to see Mrs. Munro with the same expression Serena had seen daily after that night – during what little time she had remained there after the funeral. She would have liked so have said it was a bit of a haze but it was far from it; she remembered every one of the one hundred and three days she spend there, enduring the worried watching of adults and the wary uncertainty of fellow children. She remembered every night she had begged her mother to take her back to England. She remembered wondering if she would eventually end up like the man she had just buried.

But, so far, so good. Thus far she had not been much of a danger to those she loved and worked with, though perhaps a danger to herself at times. But as her victim stood behind Edward, bloodied and limping, his arm visibly broken and the side of his head bashed in, she found herself doubting her own mind.

Jac looked slightly dazed by the madness she had just witnessed, like she couldn't make sense of how Serena Campbell had gone from eerie calm to throwing punches.

Jonny walked in with a look of extreme shock, and Serena watched without hope as the young Scot helped Edward to his feet. "Sorry," Serena said once she found her voice. "I'm sorry, Edward."

He shook his head and wiped what she suddenly recognised as blood from his face and lip. She saw a cut on his jaw and realised just how much force must have driven her fist as her rationality had vanished. "It's OK," he assured her. He stepped forward; she sensed his caution as he reached out and placed a hand on her cheek. She had to remind herself that Mrs. Munro was right. For whatever else the man had done, he had never hit her, not even in self-defence. "It's OK."

"Come on and we'll get you cleaned up a bit, Edward," Jonny said.

"No, I'll do it," Serena said. She understood the shock in Edward's eyes. She had even surprised herself.

Jac opened her mouth to protest but Edward didn't allow her to. "It's fine, Jac," he reassured the redhead. "It's out of your system now, isn't it, darling?" he asked Serena. She said nothing but she did nod. She wasn't going to hit him again; she was already regretting it. The parents-to-be did not look convinced but they were watching their step – they had a child to protect and she could see that they did not understand that Serena would never put that in jeopardy.

Serena took Edward's hand and led him down to Keller, where she ushered Edward into the office. "What the hell happened to you?!" Michael exclaimed as Serena sat Edward down on the edge of her desk.

"Ex-wives aren't to be irritated," Edward grinned. Serena rolled her eyes as her ex-husband made light of what she had just done to him. Trusting that Edward was a skilled enough liar to convince Michael it wasn't of significance – though she knew Jac would eventually inform the American of the truth – she went to fetch the equipment to fix Edward's face.

She felt her heart slowing down to a normal pace, only noticing now that it had been beating too fast. "Are you OK, Ms. Campbell?" Arthur Digby asked her.

"Of course," she forced a smile at him. She gathered all she needed and hastily returned to the office.

"What happened?" Michael asked of her.

"Misunderstanding," Edward smiled. "Nothing to worry about." She felt the long abandoned intimacy between them return, and she feared that it was only because Michael was there with them that she did not fall apart on him there and then. For a moment she would have loved nothing more, even if just to feel a relief she had never known.

"Well, I'm due in theatre," Michael announced. "I hope you're both in one piece when I get back here," he grinned. Serena made the expected face at him as he left them to it.

She turned to Edward and picked up antiseptic wipes. "This will sting a bit," she reminded him. He nodded and she brought it to his face.

"Owwwwww!" he whined. She raised an eyebrow at him and he grinned again. "Come on, Serena. Crack a smile." She ignored that remark and ruthlessly continued tending to his injuries, feeling guilty every time he involuntarily winced as alcohol poured into his wounds. "Does it need stitches?" he asked her.

"No," she asserted. "Steri-strips will do. But it's pretty obvious you've had your arse kicked. Sorry about that." He waved her apology away; he was too understanding. She almost wanted him to go crazy at her.

His hand rested comfortingly on the side of her neck. Her instinct made her bring her face down to her side, her cheek leaning into his hand. As much as she wanted to be able to remain strong, she found she missed the comfort she had found in Edward before their marriage had broken in her hands.

"What's got you in this state?" he asked her gently.

She looked up into his eyes, and despite his many faults she did not doubt that he cared about what he was asking. And to know that broke her heart, because she knew it would be near impossible to tell him.

It was with horror that she felt a lump grow in her throat and her eyes sting with poisoned tears; she didn't want to cry. She didn't want to let him see that there was something lurking beneath her sparkling eyes and white smile. But he had already seen. If she was honest with herself, she knew he had seen that many years ago. He had done his utmost to get it out of her. She was sure he had even nagged her mother about it.

"Don't cry," he whispered. "Come here." His arms were soon around her shoulders, and she was held tightly in his embrace. His tenderness shattered the dam keeping the deluge in, and tears soon fell down her cheeks as she failed to steel herself any longer. She didn't need to move her head from Edward's chest to feel the presence of the man she wished she could forget.

She moved her head to glance over Edward's shoulder. The man smiled at her. The kind smile she knew and loved was a stark contrast to the image he appeared to her as, as was his happy eyes and youthful face. He was not a bad man – she had always known that – but he had caused so much heartache. And yet she loved him. How could she not love him?

"Shh," Edward hushed her; she felt him squeeze her tightly, and the fatality of her stupidity smiled at her. She wrapped herself around her ex-husband, succumbing to her need to feel that somebody really did give a damn. His hand was resting on the back of her head. "You've got to tell me what's making you like this."

She moved her head to look up at him and felt his eyes searching hers for any sign, any clue, of what she was going through. He pressed his forehead into hers gently; how did she get from punching him to this so quickly? It was like a whirlwind she didn't want to break free from, because here someone loved her. She could not question that he did love her. He would not be here with her still if he didn't.

She could feel his nose against hers, her lips less than an inch from his. "I can't," she admitted, her voice only a hoarse murmur after crying. She watched her victim hovering behind Edward again, and she briefly wondered if the secret would ever really die. Would it die with Mrs. Munro? Would it die with Adrienne? Would it die with Serena herself? Or did she have to pass it on and keep it alive forever?

"You can," he insisted. "You can."

He was breaking her, and she knew he knew it. He was forcing his way in, blind to what he was about to uncover. She almost pitied him. "Abduction," she muttered, feeling like someone was strangling her. "They said he abducted me, but I willingly went."

His light blue eyes betrayed his shock. Whatever he had expected, it clearly had not been that. "Who?" she heard Edward's distant voice ask.

But she was a child once more, climbing out of the tiny old cottage via her bedroom window, following him. She was going to take a walk and be normal for once, rather than just Serena McKinnie, who walked the wards of Sunnyside every day, and who could not be like the children she went to school with. To see him with freedom gave her hope that he was the man she once knew.

The wind blew her thick hair across her face and she stumbled with her hand in his across the road. They had laughed together as he made jokes and used her pet name of 'Rena.' He had lifted her into his arms when he noticed her limping, pain shooting from the arch of her foot to her ankle, her ankle to her knee, her knee to her hip, her hip to her spine.

He had wandered for what felt like hours but she had not complained, for she had loved him. She trusted him even though she had been told he was ill in a way she could not see. He didn't seem ill. He seemed perfectly alright.

But when they approached the train tracks and she heard him say he loved her, she had started to feel a little uneasy. Her mother and her teachers and the police had always warned her of the dangers train tracks held; they were there for trains, not to be messed around on.

On the embankment he had set her down, taking her hand with a smile. She asked him what they were doing here but received no answer, only a smile. Together they carefully came down the embankment and stood on the side of the tracks. He knelt down and kissed her cheek, leading her to the middle of the tracks. Now she realised that there was something wrong. People with any sense didn't stand here. Was this the illness they spoke of? Was this what was wrong with the people in the hospital she knew like the back of her hand?

She looked up at him and he dropped her hand, standing as straight as a rod and as solid as a stone. She heard a freight train approach and realised quickly that he wasn't going to move from its path. Her mind moved on autopilot and battered down the urge to try and move a man of twice her size and strength. Self-preservation prevailed and she hastily walked barefoot off the track, the stones cutting her feet.

She could do nothing for him. She loved him. She adored him. But she would not die with him. She didn't know if her death was what he intended, but his was, and she knew there was no stopping him. Perhaps the fact he had let go of her hand was him telling her to move out of the way. Why did he bring her here?

He turned his head and smiled at her with a slight nod before he was gone, a train rushing across where he only a moment ago stood.

A hand entangled in her hair brought her back to adulthood, to the room in which she stood with two men who loved her. "Who, Serena?" Edward asked again. "Who abducted you?"

Tears fell down Serena's cheeks as she remembered that she had left him to die; in her eyes he had not abducted her. He had only wanted to spend his last moments with her. It took her many years to finally grasp that, and it didn't dull the fear of having her hand forced, but she understood it now. She had not been abducted. She had not been stolen or taken. She had gone with him because she had wanted to.

The old man in a young man's image smiled at her once more, nodding as if to tell her to say the truth. So she looked in Edward's eyes and said, "My dad."

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**Hope this is alright!  
Please feel free to drop me a review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This is a bit of an odd chapter, but I do think Mary-Claire has a kind heart, despite her lack of common sense at times. Thanks again to everyone who has been reading and reviewing!**

**Sarah x**

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Serena was again frozen; she had just spilled the secret of a lifetime to a man she knew in her heart would not keep it. Not only did he have a big mouth and very few functioning brain cells, but she knew he would tell others if he, however misguided his intentions would be, thought he was helping.

Realising what she had done, she stepped back from him, unconsciously putting her hand over her mouth. Maybe if she did that it would keep the words inside, where they had to remain. There were more people entangled in this than just her. She couldn't be selfish. She had to think of them all, not just the relief she had a chance of finding.

She walked – ran – away. "Serena!" she heard Edward shout after her. "_Serena_!"

Never in over thirty years had she felt that pain in her right hip return like this. As she ran down the stairs, she felt that grinding pain rush through her leg, right down to her foot. "Argh!" she moaned, succumbing to the pain as she stumbled on the landing. Her hand on her hip, she scrambled down the last flight of stairs into the heaving AAU corridor. If she knew Edward at all, he was either speaking to those on Darwin or looking for her himself. In a split second decision, she darted into the women's bathroom, only to find Mary-Claire Carter standing there, washing her hands.

The young nurse looked around and back again with a slight smile. Her head then turned slowly. "Ms. Campbell," she said quietly, hastily drying her hands. "Ms. Campbell, you're crying."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious," Serena snapped impatiently. She angrily wiped her tears away with one hand, the other still clutching at her leg, but they only fell again.

"What's up?" Mary-Claire asked. "Is Edward being a nasty piece of work to you? Making life difficult?" Serena shook free of the young woman's hands on her arms and got herself into the nearest cubicle, slamming and locking the door behind her. "Serena!" Mary-Claire shouted at her. "Come on. You're scaring me now! Serena Campbell doesn't do this sort of thing."

The realisation that the rest of the world, bar a few people, believed she was strong and fierce, resilient and confident. It broke her to feel like she could not live up to who she pretended she was.

She heard her sobs echo through the room, unable to hold them back despite Mary-Claire's presence. There was no control left. She fell to the floor and crouched with her back against the weak wall, almost revelling in the pain it was causing her. Not all pain was bad, she remembered.

"Oh, God. You really are upset, aren't you?"

Serena's attempt to say she was fine and tell the nurse to beat it ended up nothing more than a broken sob. She heard Mary-Claire move in the next cubicle. Her head popped up over the stall.

"Come out," she said. "Come out or I'll jump over there." Serena looked up; Mary-Claire was not her favourite person in the world, and she was sure the pretty redhead was none too fond of her either, but she seemed genuinely worried. She appeared to be serious about invading the cubicle; she wouldn't put that past Mary-Claire.

"I'm fine, Nurse Carter," Serena managed to croak. How this had happened was a blur. She just remembered telling Edward that her father had taken her in the dead of the night, and then realising what she had done. After that, all she could remember was that she couldn't repress thirty-five years of emotion any longer. Not when it was surrounding her, closing in around her like a pack of wolves, ready to ravage her at the slightest false move.

Mary-Claire rolled her eyes. "Yeah, 'cause you really look it. Don't say I didn't warn you." She hopped the stall with great athleticism Serena had never dreamt of possessing, managing to balance with one foot on each side of the toilet before she jumped down to solid ground. Serena raised an eyebrow at her for her swift movement. "My party trick," Mary-Claire smiled. A soft laugh escaped Serena despite her sadness; what she wouldn't have given to see Mary-Claire attempt that drunk. "You know, Serena, you _can _tell me. I won't tell anyone."

"You put out a memo to inform the entire staff that the new anaesthetist is my ex-husband," Serena reminded her; the sound that escaped her was a cross between a cynical laugh and a broken cry.

"Yeah, but now you're in floods of tears," Mary-Claire reasoned. Serena looked up at her. "I wouldn't do that to you. Believe it or not, Ms. Campbell, but I do know right from wrong. Now budge over."

Reluctantly, Serena shifted over a little so Mary-Claire could sit down. "I'll be OK," Serena lied. "I'm always OK."

"And what if this is the one time you're not?" the younger woman demanded. "Nobody's invincible, are they?" Serena allowed Mary-Claire to search her eyes. To sit in a toilet cubicle with Mary-Claire Carter was not her first choice of activity – nor her first choice of company – but the nurse had genuinely surprised Serena in her unquestionable care and attempt at comradeship. Friendship, even. "Come on. I don't like seeing people cry."

"Sorry," Serena murmured, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. Mary-Claire handed her a tissue and gave her a sad sort of smile, genuine but tainted with shock and upset. "What do you do when you can't worm your way out of your problems anymore?" Serena asked. She kept it vague because, though she desperately needed so kind of direction, she couldn't summon the courage to go into detail about the things she had been forced to live with for most of her life.

"Turn around and face them," replied Mary-Claire. "You can run all you want, but you can't hide forever." Serena laughed hopelessly. She would never stop running. In all her years, that much she had learned. "You have the courage to face anything. It might hurt like hell but you'll survive. It might be hard but everything is OK in the end. If it isn't OK then it isn't the end yet. Who knows? You might even end up better off for it."

To hear such maturity from Mary-Claire Carter startled Serena a little, as did the recognition that there was more to her than she allowed the world to see. It was rapidly becoming clear to Serena that Mary-Claire was more grown up and measured than everyone seemed to think. To know that a woman so much younger than she was knew life better than she did frightened her, because she was meant to be the one who knew everything. She was meant to know all the answers and do everything to perfection. And she had done, for so many years. But now the chaos was overriding the need for perfection, and the need to admit she was weak was beginning to batter down the need to remain within the delusion that all these years she had lived were out of strength.

She felt Mary-Claire's arm around her shoulders. It was with bitter reluctance that she eventually disclosed the bottom line, taking Mary-Claire at her word. "There was something happened when I was a child," Serena quietly revealed, trying to stem the flow of tears. "I was eleven years old and I had to watch...someone I loved," she forced out, unable to admit her own father was the insanity behind the incident, and he had been the one who paid the fatal price. "Get hit by a train. I've never had to face up to it until now, and I don't think I can."

"Oh, Serena," the young redhead sighed. The gentle use of her first name was oddly comforting to Serena. "I'm so sorry." Her head rested on Serena's shoulder. "What's making you face it after all that time?"

"The woman who found me that night, my primary school teacher, is on Darwin."

"Ah."

"Exactly. And Edward freaked me out," Serena admitted. "I punched him in the face."

"You're not serious?" Mary-Claire demanded. Serena saw she was holding back a smile. Serena only nodded her head – Mary-Claire's cue to start giggling. "Oh, that is _brilliant_!" she laughed. "Did you leave a mark?"

"Yeah. Cut his lip and cheek, and left a bruise."

"Brilliant!" Mary-Claire laughed. Serena allowed a smile at the funny side of her smacking her ex-husband until she remembered the fear that had driven her to do it. She could feel the younger woman giggling into her shoulder. "You know, you've always terrified me," admitted Mary-Claire. "Your determination and high standards and your ability to make people feel two inches tall without even opening your mouth, it all makes you terrifying."

"Oh, thanks," she retorted sarcastically.

"Serena, if you can control me, Gemma, Harry, Edward and Ric, and every patient, relative and staff member on AAU, with one look, you can do anything," she smiled. "So whatever and whoever you need to face up to, you can do it." The nurse was soon standing over her, holding out a hand to help Serena to her feet. She took it and groaned at the pain in her leg as she raised herself upright; she stood opposite Mary-Claire, who took out another tissue, dabbing at Serena's running make up. "So you go up to Darwin, do what you need to do, and if Jac Naylor starts on you, tell her to shut her trap or swallow your boot."

That made Serena laugh without even thinking. Not that she would ever do that to Jac, of course.

"Come on," Mary-Claire ushered her out onto the AAU corridor. "And before you say anything, I won't breathe a word to anyone. Now up to Darwin with you."

Serena nodded and turned away, walking towards the lifts. When she pressed the button, she felt the need to thank the nurse for her efforts. She spotted her sauntering back to AAU. "Mary-Claire!" she yelled over the babble of the ward, making her throat hurt even more after crying. The Irishwoman turned on her heel at the mention of her name. "Thank you!" she called.

"You're welcome!" she shouted back with a sweet and somewhat reassuring smile.

Serena got in the lift and pressed the '6' button with some real trepidation; she wasn't going to get back onto Darwin for very long before either Jac, Jonny, Mo, Elliot or Zosia ambushed her. She assumed Jac would find her first, but that Zosia had a habit of turning up out of thin air when least expected. All she could do was hide and put that part off for as long as humanly possible.

Mrs. Munro, however, she had to deal with. Not once had they even discussed the events of that night, or the implications that plagued Serena as a teenager and even now.

But as the lift opened to reveal Darwin before her, she searched for her father. He wasn't there. Nowhere to be found. Where had he gone? Though his presence unsettled her, it also reminded her that she would never be alone. As ill and desperate and unhinged as she knew he must have been, she knew her dad had loved her. He wouldn't have wanted to spend his last hours with her, or have gone out of his way to spend that time with her, if he hadn't. That was the knowledge years of bitterness and resentment had led her to, a long time ago.

She stepped onto the ward, and noticed Jonny's eyes fixated on her, as if wondering how to deal with her now that he had seen the extent to which she felt so vulnerable. He did not, however, approach her as she entered Mrs. Munro's room. The old woman's light blue eyes followed Serena until she sat down. "Is that ex-husband of yours alright?" she asked.

"Yeah. He looks worse than it actually is," Serena replied.

"I think it's time you talked to someone, Serena," she said gently. "Have you been carrying all this, on your own, for all this time?"

"It's silly, I know," Serena sighed, running her hands through her hair. "But I thought that I could live with it better if I didn't speak about it."

"It doesn't work like that, my dear," Mrs. Munro said.

"I know," she moaned. "I know. But it's so hard to even say it. To acknowledge that he was far worse than they ever told me, to acknowledge he was mentally ill at all, is something I've never been able to do. I've pretty much tried to forget that whole period of my life."  
"Well," Mrs. Munro smiled slightly. "It's time to remember. You have friends here. Do you really think they would abandon you if they knew the truth?"

"It happened at the time."

"Children are cruel," Mrs. Munro sighed. "They don't usually mean to be, but they are scornful of what they cannot understand."

Serena met her eyes and, yet again, found herself swallowing back her fear, her pain, her pride and her tears.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to leave me a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm not entirely sure about this chapter - it's the one that Serena finally breaks down and spills her guts because she can't keep it in anymore. But it might not make sense; I'm living on cherryade. Says it all. Thanks again to everyone who has read and reviewed!**

**Sarah x**

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Jac watched through the glass as Serena started to open up, unable to hear what was being said; she couldn't help but feel it must have been long, long overdue. It was obvious that she had been crying. Her eyes were red and her make up was smudged, though it looked like someone had cleaned the worst up for her. "Has she said anything?" the familiar voice of Jonny Maconie asked.

"Yes. But I can't hear her."

"She must be carrying some size of burden to become like this at the flip of a switch," he sighed. "Apart from Edward, I always assumed that she didn't have too much on her mind."

"What lurks beneath the surface is never what the rest of the world thinks," Jac replied quietly. "You can't know what someone else has gone through just by working with them. No matter how well everybody thinks they know her, nobody really does. Even Edward didn't have a clue what was going on."

"But he was her husband," Jonny said, and Jac heard the confusion in his voice.

"Exactly. That's how well she's hidden it. Whatever _it_ is." She could just see the walls around Serena come crumbling down as she spoke words Jac could not hear. She cautiously opened the door and walked in. Serena immediately closed her mouth and did not speak again. Jac sat down next to her, and Serena glared at her while Mrs. Munro gave Jac a weak, knowing smile.

"Don't stop talking, Serena," Mrs. Munro urged her. The look on Serena's face reminded Jac of a child whose world had collapsed around her, leaving her tiny and insignificant in the rubble that had become her life. And maybe that was what Serena was. "The worst thing you can do is stop talking when you've only just started."

Mrs. Munro, Jac remembered, had to be in a great deal of pain, but she seemed to brush it aside, allowing a wince and a pained expression only when she moved, and she only moved when Serena was not looking. "But-" Serena began to argue.

"But nothing," the elderly woman cut her off firmly. Jac was surprised slightly by the authority in her voice and the effect it had on Serena. "Miss Naylor doesn't seem inclined to judge you for it, does she?"

Jac let out a slight laugh. "I'm not in any position to judge you for anything, Serena," she assured the GS consultant. "Look at the mess I've got myself in."

"You haven't heard what happened yet," Serena muttered. Her tone was dark and hollow, her eyes full of the emotion her voice and words were drained of. In a rare moment of tenderness, Jac reached out and placed her hand gently on Serena's shoulder. She looked around at Jac to stare her in the face. "Why are you being nice?"

"Because you need a friend, and, as the only woman in this place with the nerve to speak my mind to you whether you like it or not, I'll be damned if I'm letting any man anywhere near you in this state," Jac said. She herself was surprised by how protective she was of Serena. The woman didn't exactly personify vulnerability and Jac knew that an attempt to sympathise with her and comfort her was almost always going to be risking getting her head bitten off. But she didn't really mind.

"You mean Edward?" Serena raised an eyebrow at her.

"And Ric. And every other man in the building who might chance it when you're vulnerable." She studied the expression on Serena's face and realised that she was too blinded by pain to see that there were ways she could end up in a bigger mess than she started in here, and in Edward and Ric's arms were not safe places for her right now. Jac did not believe in falling into a man's arms to ease the pain – look how it had turned out for her.

"So, my dear," Mrs. Munro interrupted them, "you will speak what you feel." It wasn't a debate or a request, and Jac was unnerved by the lack of a fight Serena was putting up here. "You will stop holding back and you will trust that nobody here is going to make your life miserable over anything in your past."

"We can all see you're hurt, Serena," Jac explained gently. "If Jonny Maconie can see it, anyone can. And I want to know. Not because I want something over you, or because I want to put you through the hell of reliving whatever is causing you so much suffering, but because I want to understand how you've gone from the unflappable Serena Campbell to _this_ in one day." Serena looked taken aback by Jac's honesty, but it was something she needed. After all, she was the one who had said the girls had to stick together. Well, this was Jac sticking with the girls. "So tell me everything, Serena."

Serena glanced at Mrs. Munro, who was rapidly losing her strength and energy. Serena didn't seem to see it, but Jac could tell the woman was dying.

"When I was about six, I remember my dad's behaviour became...volatile," Serena began. Her voice was hoarse and broken, and Jac's heart of stone cracked a little at hearing such a strong woman in pieces. "He used to kick off at nothing. He knocked my mum about a few times. It was only when he tried to kill himself that Mum realised he wasn't malicious; he was ill. So we moved to Craigo when I was seven so he could stay in the psychiatric unit nearby," she explained.

"Sunnyside," Jac realised – Zosia had been right, though nobody in Serena's family had worked there. They had been a patient. Serena nodded.

"I visited him all the time but I spent more time wandering about the empty corridors than actually being with him," Serena continued. "That kept going for nearly four years. Not long before my eleventh birthday, I was standing at the door of the living room when the psychiatrist was speaking to my mum. He said Dad's behaviour was becoming worse and worse. They thought he wasn't doing as they instructed him, though I didn't know what that meant. I was told he was ill, but they let me think it was something you could see just by looking at him."

Jac swallowed back the lump in her throat. "He was getting sicker," Jac supplied. "What was wrong with him?"

"Manic depression. Bipolar. Whatever you want to call it. He was thirty-seven when he died," Serena said. Mrs. Munro was silent though her frail hand held Serena's tightly, giving her the courage to go into detail about it all. "Anyway. When I was eleven, there was this massive autumn storm that blew in off the North Sea. I'd gone to bed late because my leg was playing up and I was sitting by the fire. At about eleven my dad opened the window and climbed in. I didn't know any better so I went with him."

Serena's voice failed her and Jac tightened her grip on her shoulder as a comfort, looking to Mrs. Munro for help. She didn't know what to do here; she wasn't Wonder Woman, and she was quickly discovering that Serena wasn't either, and she didn't know what she was meant to do. "Come on, Serena," Mrs. Munro said gently. "This is the first time you've told this story. You didn't even speak to the police or your mother, and God knows I tried to get the whole thing out of you. It's time to let it all out. It might just set you free."

Jac felt Serena shake under her touch, her courage and nerve obviously wavering. Tears started to build up in her dark eyes and Jac felt the need to comfort her. "It's alright," she assured the older woman. She got up and found some paper towels for her, handing them to her with a sad smile as she sat back down. "Just keep going. Like Mrs. Munro says, the worst thing you can do is stop once you've started."

Serena nodded. "I didn't know better so I went with him. We walked for _ages_," she said, tears rolling down her cheeks. "He ended up having to carry me. My leg wasn't working right at that point. It's still a bit squiffy, really," she admitted, and Jac had to smile at the description of the state of her body. "He took me to the train tracks and put me down on the embankment and took my hand. He led me down and told me he loved me," she recalled, and Jac heard her voice crack as she realised what had happened. "We got to the side of the tracks and he kissed my cheek and told me he loved me again. He took me onto the tracks, right in the middle, and he dropped my hand. He just stood there."

Jac felt the pang of Serena's pain when the woman started to break down in tears as she spoke. "He just stood there and I realised he went there to kill himself. _That_ was why they had kept him in that hospital. I could hear the train coming in the distance and I couldn't stay there and die with him, so I walked off the track," she said, her words becoming broken by sobs as Jac felt tears sting her own eyes. "And he just smiled at me and then the train came and he was just _gone_."

Mrs. Munro's fingers were locked with Serena's, and Jac was trying to hold in the emotion Serena's childhood story had stirred her. She had never imagined that Serena Campbell, as a child, had not only had to live with the fact her father was mentally ill, but with the fact she had had to watch him die in the most brutal, messy way. She wiped away her tears and put a hand on Serena's back in an effort to calm her a little.

Just as Serena's breathing started to calm down a little, Ric and Edward walked in. "Serena, Jac, would you excuse yourselves for a moment, please?" Ric requested politely, though his gaze fell, shocked and extremely worried, onto Serena's tear stained face. "Mr. Campbell and I need to speak alone with Mrs. Munro about her procedure."

Glad for the excuse to get Serena into some privacy, Jac replied, "Of course." She patted Serena's back and added, "Come on. I know where Maconie hides his chocolate chip cookies." To her surprise, Serena didn't put up a fight. She went willingly; maybe she was thinking the same as Jac, and wanted some sanctuary away from those she tried to be strong for.

It didn't escape Jac's notice that Edward had rubbed the small of Serena's back as she passed; she could not help the protective glare she shot at Serena's ex-husband.

Jac led Serena quietly to her office so as not to attract attention from the ward, only to find Elliot at his desk with a large cream cake. "Um, Elliot, could you go and eat that somewhere else?" Jac asked. "Please," she added, knowing he would take the urgency of her request from that one word.

"Oh, um, of course," he replied, picking up his coffee and getting out from behind his desk. "Is everything alright, Ms. Campbell? You look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine," Serena immediately lied; Jac internally groaned at her apparent knee-jerk reaction to being asked how she was. Elliot didn't look very convinced. "I'm _fine_, Elliot," she insisted hoarsely. He nodded but did something Jac had not expected: he pulled Serena into a one-armed hug and kissed her cheek before he left. The care he showed only set Serena off again and soon her cheeks glistened with tears Jac could tell she had no control over.

Jac said to her, "Why didn't you just tell someone? Anyone? Me, even?"

Incapable of speech, finally shattered on the ground with no strength left to give, Serena only shook her head and burst into uncontrollable sobs, her face in her hands. Hadn't she cried enough today? It was obvious that she'd cried before she returned to Darwin, in both her face and her voice. Was her pain so excruciating and intense, built up over so many years of keeping her life's horrors inside, that she could do nothing else right now?

Jac yet again swallowed her own tears back, the ones brought on by hormones and the emotion raised in her at seeing Serena breaking apart, and stepped towards her. She let Serena fall into her embrace, feeling her sob into her neck. "Shh. It's OK," she promised. "It's OK."

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**Hope this is alright!  
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Again, I'm not sure about this chapter but when am I ever sure about it? :P thanks, as always, to everyone who has read and reviewed so far!**

**Sarah x**

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Serena only realised how tightly she was gripping Jac, her fingers clutching at the pregnant surgeon's dark blue scrubs, when her knees felt weak with the effort it took to stand. She was crying so hard it rattled through her bones and ripped through her chest as all control – retained for over three decades – collapsed. She could feel Jac's arms tight around her in an embrace Serena hadn't realised she needed.

She was unable to feel like it might get better; in all these years it had never got better. It had only sunk deeper and deeper inside her until she could hide it from the vast majority of the world around her. She just hurt. Everything about her, her body, her heart and her mind, just hurt. "It'll be OK," Jac whispered yet again. "It's alright."

"It's not," Serena choked out. They were the first words she had managed to force out since Jac had asked her why she had held her silence so long. "I'm not OK, Jac," she confessed. "I've never been OK. Not since I was a little girl."

She could feel Jac guide her to the sofa, sitting her gently down. "Then find that little girl who was happy," Jac suggested. "I know she's in there."

"I have searched. And searched. And searched," Serena said, her words broken by sobs she tried her best to hold in. "I can't find her." Jac sighed and her hand fell on Serena's leg. "I don't know what to do, Jac."

For a few minutes they sat in silence, and Serena tried to remember what freedom was. She didn't even know if it was something she had ever known. Even before her world had fallen around her, the broken pieces at her feet in flames, she had not been free. She had still watched insanity and violence and attempts at suicide and maybe even murder, and she was only a little girl who didn't understand why her dad's actions and persona were so volatile.

She managed to stop herself crying for the time being, though it hurt her chest and her heart to do so. She just wanted the let everything, every horror story she had ever lived and created, flow out at will, but her need to appear in control prevented it. It caused her to force some steadiness over her breathing and make the tears she wiped away the last she would cry – for now. What she would do when she got home and had to sit in an empty house, finally completely alone, was another matter. And if she was honest, she didn't quite trust herself.

Serena looked at Jac, who seemed slightly lost as to how to help her. "I'm going to get you some hot chocolate," she decided. "Makes everything feel better. Believe me." Jac got to her feet and quietly left Serena alone where she was only with her thoughts and her ghosts. She couldn't feel anything but her heart breaking apart inside her.

The door opened again and in walked the one person who knew how to derail her: Edward Campbell. "Please don't, Edward," she pleaded quietly with him, but still he sat down next to her. "I can't handle any crap from you right now."

More to the point, she didn't think she had the strength to resist Edward's charm and the comfort she had always been able to find in him. "I don't intend on giving you any crap," he replied gently. His hand reached out and rested on her face. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked her. His fingers traced under her eye, across her cheekbone.

Serena shook her head slightly. "Not unless you can send me back in time."

"I can't do that," he admitted. "Why are you being like this? What's hurting you?" Unable to discuss it again she only shook her head, hoping he would understand she couldn't make herself relive it again. She knew he would get it out of someone eventually anyway. "Is it really _that_ painful?"

"Yes," Serena whispered. "You've got to understand me here, Edward. It hurts so much to even think about what happened, and it's taken me over thirty years to start dealing with it." She stood up and started pacing around. "I can't say it all again. I haven't got it in me. But know that every time I laid a hand on you, Edward, it wasn't to hurt you. It was because I am so screwed up that I thought you were going to hurt me. I know I sometimes hurt you, and I am so sorry for that."

He stood up and faced her. "You pushed me out, Serena. I didn't want to give up on us, but I didn't know what else to do. You were driving me to distraction," he explained. "I didn't know what demons you had in you, and neither you nor your mum were telling me a thing. So I threw it all away with women and drink and tried to forget I was throwing anything I had with you away as well." She took a step closer to him. "You don't need to tell me."

"Maybe one day I'll explain it all, and everything will make sense," she said. "But not today. I've been through too much today."

He nodded, and for a moment she saw the kind man she had married, the one who loved her enough to stick by her. But he had lost his faith and ran from her, something she still struggled to forgive him for, even though she knew she was sometimes difficult to love. "Is there _anything_ I can do?" he asked her softly.

Her sense left her and she felt the desire to have him love her again, just to remember what to be loved felt like. She walked away and leaned against the wall, staring him down as she tried to resist that impulse. But she was too weak, and she just wanted love and comfort and all her demons had starved her of as they isolated her. He stepped towards her and stared into her eyes, and she felt him searching her for answers and assurances her barriers would not let free.

"Yes."

"What?"

"Kiss me," she whispered.

She was surprised when he nodded and leaned in, catching her lips in hers; she kissed back with passion and guilt, knowing that to go back was not to go forward but to go back to a time when Edward loved her was a comfort if not entirely wise. She kissed him roughly and without thought as he pinned her back into the wall with the weight of his body. A low moan escaped her as his hand fell onto the side of her neck, the other sitting on her waist, on the band of her trousers.

It was only a distraction, and she knew it, but it was an effective way out of the world she was trapped in. Her breathing quickly became ragged as she allowed the last of her control to seep away into Edward's hands; she didn't want to be in control of herself anymore. She didn't want to be responsible for her own agony anymore. She wanted to pass that control to someone else; at that moment she really didn't care if he abused it. All that mattered was that it wasn't hers.

As the last of her self-discipline was lost she felt silent tears fall down her face while Edward kissed her as harshly as he kissed her.

"Hey!" a voice from next to them half-shouted. "Get off her!" Serena looked around to see Jac with two mugs of hot chocolate and Jonny's packet of chocolate chip cookies. "Edward, get away from her!" she repeated. She put the mugs and biscuits down on Elliot's desk.

"It's not what you think," Edward tried to defend himself.

"It's exactly what it looks like. She's crying and you're kissing her. I won't have you taking advantage when she's vulnerable," Jac asserted. "Out." He remained where he stood and Serena could only hold her silence, for in her heart of hearts, she knew Jac was speaking sense. "_Out_!"

Edward sighed and held up his hands, leaving the women alone.

"What were you thinking, Serena? You know he's a bad idea, don't you?" Jac ranted.

"Oh, I know," Serena sighed. Now she just felt like a complete moron; _why_ had she asked Edward to kiss her? Jac was right. Serena knew and contended that Edward was her biggest mistake in her adult life. Maybe that wasn't quite true, as she was quickly discovering, but he definitely was not something her mind wanted to try again.

Jac handed Serena a mug and sat down. "I'm not just poking my nose in, Serena," Jac informed her gently. "I'm just trying to make sure you don't hurt yourself anymore." Serena sighed and went to sit next to Jac. She was right, of course. It was clear the redhead was defending her from her own heart and stupidity. She knew herself that, when the pain built up and started to drown her, she became stupid. She became reckless. She did things she would never have done if she actually thought about what she was doing with some rationality – like kissing Edward.

"Thank you," Serena murmured. "If only I had someone like you when I was a young, foolish woman," she admitted. She remembered the length she had gone to in order to temporarily numb the pain. Drinking, shopping, eating...anything she had enjoyed in moderation she had abused until she realised even that did not help her. "Maybe I wouldn't have married Edward."

"Then you wouldn't have your daughter," Jac pointed out.

"True," Serena allowed, taking cream and marshmallows off the top of her hot chocolate with a teaspoon. She hadn't expected to find a friend in Jac; she hadn't even expected Jac to take an interest at all. But here she was, trying to pick Serena up off the floor when nobody else knew how to. Except perhaps Edward, but they had already established what a bad idea that was. "I was a _complete_ mess when I was younger. If that madness hadn't clouded my judgement, my life might have panned out very differently."

"There's no use in backtracking around corners you've already turned," Jac warned her. A knock at the door made Serena start slightly, almost spilling her drink over herself. "Come in," called Jac. In walked Edward, followed closely by Ric. "I thought I told you to beat it," she shot at Edward, the hostility in her tone surprising Serena as much as it did Ric, if the look on his face was anything to go by.

"Daggers away, Jac," Ric ordered her. His dark eyes fell on Serena, and she was startled to see an apology and condolences in his gaze. She didn't like the softness in his eyes, because it never meant good news when Ric Griffin showed her compassion and friendship. It usually meant there was a reason that she would need those things from him, and she rarely needed anything from Ric except respect and professional comradeship.

"What's happened?" Serena asked; she didn't think she could take another blow today. Another hard knock was something she thought might break her for good if she had to take it when she was already feeling so weak. Ric didn't say anything, so she turned on her ex-husband. "Edward?"

Edward opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, much to Serena's annoyance and frustration. He always knew how to wind her up. She would have given him a slap to put his brain in gear with his mouth, but she already felt guilty for the cuts and bruises she had inflicted on him during her outburst earlier. She looked again to Ric, who looked like he was actually scared to tell Serena what was going on.

"Will someone just spit it out already?" she persisted at them. _Men_. Why did they always seem so frightened of speaking to her? What was the worst she could do?

"Serena," Ric began, but he had to look to Edward for help. But, of course, Edward Campbell had no spine and only looked helpless himself.

"What's happened?" she asked again. "Ric?"

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**Hope this is alright!  
Please feel free to drop me a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: This is a bit of an odd chapter, mainly because it's nearly 3am and I've only just finished writing it. And I've got to go to the pub with my colleagues at 12. KILL ME. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far!**

**Sarah x**

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Jac watched Ric struggle to tell Serena what was going on. That said something, because Jac knew Ric well enough by now to know he did not often struggle with facing people like Serena, no matter how terrifying they were capable of being. She felt an air of panic emanate from Serena. "Look, don't fly off the handle, Serena," Edward said, and there was an almost pleading tone to his voice.

"But..." Serena trailed away, waiting for them to finish that sentence for her.

"Mrs. Munro is refusing treatment," Edward said.

"What?!" Serena demanded. She stood up, mug still in her hand. She pushed it into Ric's grasp and strode out the room before Edward caught up with her and grabbed her wrist before she could get past the nurses' station. "Let me _go_, Edward," she growled at him. "I can talk her round. She'll listen to me."

"She won't," Ric said. "Believe me, Serena. She won't." Jac watched Serena stare at Ric, her face frozen between the emotions of shock and fear. Edward reluctantly let go of Serena but let a hand fall onto her shoulder, just in case he would need to stop her moving again. Ric stepped forward and gently put a hand on Serena's back, her mug still in his left hand, ready to guide her where he needed her to go; Jac just stood there helpless, unable to do anything in that moment that was remotely helpful, and she felt useless. "Just come back into the office and we'll explain."

Serena glanced between her friends and her ex-husband, and Jac internally hurt for her. She had been through enough today. It seemed everything was coming at her at once, and even Serena Campbell wasn't unbreakable. She was taking the blows as they knocked her to the floor, and every time she got up again, weakened and in pain. It was clear in the murky depths of the dark eyes Jac was staring into for answers and assurances.

Her expression bitterly grudging and conflicted, Serena walked past Jac and the men and into the office. She waited until all four were in the confines of the four walls before she slammed the door impatiently.

"What is so complicated about it, then?" she demanded hotly.

"Calm _down_," Edward ordered her firmly. Jac remained silent but watched Serena's tension rise. The fury and fear where radiating from her; Jac could almost see a mist of blood red around the woman, clouding her vision and her judgement. Where had clear-headed Serena Campbell gone? Who was the woman Jac was staring at just now.

"Just tell me," growled Serena.

"I'm not telling you anything until you're calm," Ric chipped in. Jac saw the danger of telling a wound up Serena whatever it was that was going on. She had cracked once today, and Jac didn't know if she could handle another push. What worried her was that it could have been anything – they were still chasing up Mrs. Munro's notes from another hospital. They had worked almost blindly with her today, relying on the information she gave them to treat her effectively.

Ric handed Serena her hot chocolate, and she glared at it like it had personally offended her, as if the fact her world was cracking around her could be blamed on a mug and its contents. She unwillingly took it with a look of defiance in her eyes, and Jac recognised the need to keep control that was plaguing her as she failed to do so – she had been there many times herself, and she did not envy Serena.

Ric sat on the sofa and pulled Serena down with him, Jac and Edward sitting on an arm each of the settee. "You've got to listen to me," he warned her. "Right. We got her notes through an hour ago. She's got terminal pancreatic cancer. She says she didn't want to go through with the procedure in the first place but she couldn't tell you."

"Why couldn't she tell me? She _knows_ wouldn't have kicked off at her! It's not her fault she's dying, is it?!" Serena challenged. Ric's hand fell onto Serena's shoulder and Jac exchanged a dark glance with Edward; was he seeing the cracks and holes that she was?

"She says she doesn't want to cause you any more pain than you're already in," Edward explained. "Whatever the hell _that_ means," he added in a low mutter. Jac glared at him for his input though she did understand his frustrations. It was obvious Serena was seeking love and comfort in him but keeping her hands clean of him at the same time, and it had to be driving him up the wall. "She's not got long, Serena. A day, maybe two or three."

Jac heard Serena clear her throat and say, her voice strangled and broken, "When was she diagnosed?"

"Seven weeks ago," Ric stated. "The oncology unit at Ninewells were dealing with her until a week ago. She missed her last appointment."

"She was being treated in _Dundee_?!" Jac demanded. "That's a long hike for a dying woman to be taking, isn't it?"

"She always was a stubborn woman," Serena sighed. "Why is she here?"

It was a question none of the four of them knew the answer to, though Jac had her own suspicions about why Mrs. Munro was here. It was Jac's belief that, in the knowledge she was dying and that Serena's issues were far from resolved, Mrs. Munro had made the effort and journey to find her former pupil. It was reckless and irrational, but Jac could not help but recognise the kindness and selflessness of a woman willing to do that.

"That's something you'll have to ask her yourself," Ric told her gently. "But do you understand now why she refuses to be treated? It's not fair to ask her to prolong her pain."

"Don't you dare patronise me," Serena snapped. Ric looked very much surprised at her reaction, and Jac had to admit she wasn't liking this new Serena Campbell very much. Edward, however, appeared less than shocked by her hostility. "Is there _no_ way I can convince her?"

Edward shook his head. "Her mind's well and truly made up," he sighed. Serena looked close to tears again as she leaned back and stared at the ceiling. Jac felt no fight surrounding the deputy CEO – she was defeated. "I'm so sorry, darling," Edward added quietly. "I can see how much she means to you." Jac watched his hand fall into Serena's thick brown hair like they had never been apart.

It unnerved Jac to see Serena allow the physical contact her ex-husband had given her; as far as she had heard, Edward was usually not allowed near Serena with a barge pole and yet Jac had witnessed them passionately kissing each other, and now Edward was giving her the quiet comfort a husband should. Except he was not her husband anymore, was he? And that bothered Jac, because to retrace steps usually ended in heartache.

Serena stood up. "I'm going to see her." Ric opened his mouth to protest but he wasn't given the opportunity to say a single word. "I'm not going to try and talk her round. I just want..." she struggled for a moment for the right words for a moment. "I just want to sit with her. While I still can."

Jac watched powerless as the woman set her mug on Elliot's desk and walked away from them. As much as she wanted to help, it was becoming increasingly difficult for Jac to get her head around the way Serena had to be thinking. The strain and fear evident in those brown eyes had been almost haunting to see in a woman so strong. It shouldn't have been there at all.

"She can't take much more," Edward cautioned them quietly. "I can see it in the way she walks. She's exhausted. She's trying to give more than she can handle." Jac sat down where Serena had risen from, between Ric and Edward.

"Yeah, well, sticking your tongue down her throat's not the answer, Edward," Jac quipped. Ric shot her a questioning look. "Oh, didn't he tell you what he and Serena were up to in _my_ office earlier?"

"She asked me to" Edward defended himself. "She _asked_ me to kiss her, Jac."

"Because she's not thinking straight," Jac reminded him. "Maybe it's the only way you two know how to function, I don't know, but I can guarantee that if you confuse her feelings for you right now you'll make a mess of her."

Ric raised his hands to halt their debate. "What's done is done. How long do you think she can keep this up?"

"You mean before she does something stupid?" Edward asked. Ric nodded. "Not much longer. I mean, she's already took a chunk out of me. It would help if I had some clue what was actually going on in her head."

"I found her earlier," Ric admitted. "I had to get her to sit on a stair with me for a few minutes. She looked like she was about to pass out." Jac recalled finding Serena sitting alone on the stairs, muttering to herself about people she shouldn't have gone with and realised Ric must have found her and intervened. "I've only seen her lose her rag once and it was over her mother, but I've never thought she would hit someone."  
Jac and Ric both looked at Edward and his injuries, and he just shrugged. "It's not the first time and it probably won't be the last. She doesn't mean to."

Jac sighed. There didn't seem to be any way they could help, and sitting here talking about it was about as useful as a colander with no holes in it. She couldn't get the image of Serena's tear stained face and frightened eyes out of her mind; she felt for Serena more than she expected was possible. "I was the one who held her when she was crying," Jac sighed. "I was the one who sat and listened to her. I have to try and keep her from doing anything stupid, like punching another colleague," she gestured with her hand to Edward's face. "The next person she hits won't be her ex-husband and might not be so understanding."

"What are you suggesting?" Ric asked. It was clear in his expression that he was as helpless as she was, and that Edward perhaps held the key to dealing with Serena. He had dealt with her before and, though Jac had trouble trusting the man, she knew that he could help show them how to deal with her. Because Jac knew she could hold and comfort Serena all she wanted, but until she could make her see the woman she really was, Serena was only going to sink further and further until there was no helping her back to her feet.

"I'm suggesting we keep an eye on her," Jac explained. "What else can we do?"

"Love her," Edward stated. Jac glared at him. He was over-simplifying matters. Serena couldn't do anything for herself with _love_. She needed logic and rationality and support.

"I have to agree with Jac on that one," Ric groaned. He had known what Jac was thinking without he even opening her mouth. "You can love Serena Campbell until you're blue in the face. She'll still do what she wants regardless. It's too hands-off."

"She doesn't listen to anyone, Ric!" Edward argued. "Surely you've noticed that by now?"

"Of course I have!" Ric said. "But I know if we just show her friendship she'll push it away!"

Groaning slightly, Jac stood up and stepped out onto her ward, glancing around until her eyes fell on the HDU room, seeing that Serena was once more sat next to Mrs. Munro. She was speaking in earnest, though Jac could not hear about what she spoke; she only hoped Serena had stuck to her word and was not trying to talk Mrs. Munro into an operating theatre.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to drop me a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: This is Ric's side of this story, though from Serena's point of view. Perhaps it's a little bit soft in places. Forgive me. Thanks again to everyone who is reading and reviewing! :)**

**Sarah x**

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Serena sighed, scarcely able to comprehend everything she was thinking. There was a woman she respected and trusted completely, now dying. There was the train incident that she had always tried to ignore, now brought unwillingly to the forefront of her mind. There was her father's illness, long forgiven but not forgotten.

As Mrs. Munro started to fall asleep, she heard footsteps enter the room but did not look around as she recalled all that had been said to her by her former teacher. Everything she had once known was gone, replaced by harsh reality and new-found emotions she had tried all her life not to feel.

"You have to let her go, Serena," Ric's whisper rang out. "She wants you to let her go."

Serena sighed. "I need coffee. Lots of coffee." She stood up when she was sure Mrs. Munro was too out of it to miss her, feeling Ric's presence behind her. She always knew when he was near her; it was almost like his body held a gravitational field of its own, her being his satellite. "I...do you want a coffee?" she offered hesitantly. With Ric she was less self-assured than with Edward. She had put up with Edward so long that she now knew him like the back of her hand; Ric, however, was vastly unexplored by Serena.

She saw his smile and took it as a 'yes' when he led her out of the room. His hand on her arm was a slight comfort that simultaneously unnerved her. His offer of comfort only reminded her that she needed someone, and not the person she knew was bad for her. She could deny it all she wanted but Edward brought her recklessness to the surface. Her recklessness was not something she ever wanted to see again; it had killed her father. What would it do to her at an age that she now knew what it was?

In the lift with Ric, she realised that she actually didn't have a clue what to do anymore. Her life was one build on the lies she told herself and the years she ignored, the shield she raised to everyone she had ever loved. She had lied so long that telling the truth hurt. Sometimes she didn't even know what the truth was.

But she wanted to at least explain to Ric the extent to which she felt broken. He deserved that mush. She didn't think she could tell him why. She couldn't tell him how she caused another person's death. She knew he, the preserver of life and moral compass of many, would _hate_ her. Even if she explained the complexity of it, she knew he would hate her for not knowing better, and she could have Ric hate her. She was selfish enough to be willing to resort to semantics to keep him in her life.

Whatever her reasoning, she couldn't escape the fact that she was a selfish person, right down to the bone. She let everyone believe she was a good person, but she wasn't; she drained people. One way or another, she always hurt the people she loved. She was the centre of destruction in her own world. Even her daughter, her beautiful daughter, was messed up by the strain between her parents, and the absence of a proper father and the ignorance of a mother who worked too much for anybody's good.

Everything she touched fell to pieces, or else burned in the ring of fire she set around herself as she stood isolated.

Cornered and protected.

Endangered and safe.

Dying and living.

Shattered and whole.

She was a contradiction. And contradictions could only exist as long as one end outweighed the other. If each of her contradictions were of equal measure then she would negate herself, no longer Serena Campbell but someone she would cease to recognise. For now, she knew who she was, even if she didn't like it.

But as she stepped into the cafeteria with Ric, she realised that knowing who she was was not enough. Other people – those she loved and respected – had to see her for who she really was. Ric had to know that she wasn't a saint, though she was sure he had worked out that for himself, and that it would be in his best interests to keep her at arm's length. She had hurt her father. Her mother. Her husband. Her child. She was sure to hurt Ric too. And he had to know that.

Serena sat down in the knowledge that Ric knew what coffee she drank and how she took it. She made no effort to speak. Instead she held her silence and reminded herself that she was not to be trusted, and that to confide in Ric would make him hate her. So she resolved to tell him to keep away from her on a personal level. It was the only way to keep him in her life, to still see him every day without really hurting him.

He was suddenly sitting opposite her, pushing a cup of coffee and a plate with a large slice of rich chocolate cake towards her. She gave the cake a sceptical look and raised her eyebrow at Ric, who just smirked and said, "In my experience, women are easier to deal with once they've had something chocolatey down their throats." His expression turned to one of concern. "And you've probably not eaten all day."

It was only now that he mentioned it that she realised it was after three in the afternoon and she hadn't eaten since six this morning. Her appetite was lost to shock and fear but still she ate, her medical mind reminding her that her body needed it even if her mind did not want it.

"Thanks," she said, her voice hoarse with her abuse of her throat with the crying and shouting she had done today. "You didn't have to."

He shrugged. "Someone has to look out for you."

Serena laughed bitterly to herself. "Jac and Edward have been doing that all day." She looked up from her cake to see his eyes filled with care for her; this was why it was so hard to tell him to leave her alone. She knew he cared. And it drove her to confess today's sins, if not those of her childhood. "I kissed Edward today," she admitted quietly.

"I know," Ric smiled gently. "Jac told me. She was none too pleased with him over it."

"I know," she said. Her eyes locked with Ric's for only a moment, and in that moment what she found in him – care, friendship, concern, protection...an endless list – changed her game plan. She had to only lie to him. She couldn't send him away. She didn't have it left in her torn heart. "She's right. He's not good for me. He's like...he's like a drug. He's like alcohol. When I'm in pain, my first instinct is to use him to alleviate that pain," she explained. "And I know it would end in tears. I was just..." she trailed away, searching for words she could not find. "I didn't want to be in control. He had control, and it was a relief."

"So you stand in front of the runaway train and hope he'll move you out of the way?" he challenged. "That's not wise, Serena."

His words stung, but he could not know how much his metaphor hurt her. How could he when he didn't know that her father had committed suicide by standing in front of a train?

She gasped slightly when the same bloodied figure, her dad, appeared behind Ric with a smile. She had thought he was gone. He had vanished when she had told Jac and Mrs. Munro all that happened the night he died. She looked away from her father, ignoring his loving smile as she paid an unnecessary level of attention to the piece of cake before her.

"Are you alright?" Ric demanded quietly. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I wish," Serena muttered into her coffee cup. To see a ghost would have been easier to accept; to see a dead man of her own mind meant that somewhere there was damage and crossed wires. When she looked up again, her father was still there smiling down on her.

Ric sighed. "What on Earth is going on with you, Serena?" he asked her. "I've never seen you so distracted. You're not even working. I've never seen you give up a day's work for anything."

"It's important," she acknowledged. "It's important I learn today's lessons. Who knows?" she repeated Mary-Claire's sentiments. "I might even be better off for it."

"You've lost me. I don't get it. It's like I know nothing about you."

"Let's face it," Serena snapped caustically. "What _do_ you know about me?" She immediately felt guilty for speaking to him like that.

"I know you're an only child. I know you've moved home and jobs four times in thirteen years. I know you hate Wednesdays because it's the day you're always the most exhausted. I know you're none to fond of storms, even though you make fun of the way we all deal with the practical side," he relayed to her. "I know you can't stand peaches and you love strawberries. I know you've spent most of your life with only one parent, your mother. I know that you wear loose tops because you don't like clingy clothes or the way you see yourself in them. I know you arrive here earlier than anyone else, bar Jac Naylor, and have a coffee every hour until you come down here at about nine to get something high in sugar and carbs. I know you leave here later than anyone else, bar Jac Naylor, and that you check the time every thirty-three minutes after one o'clock even though you don't intend on leaving for hours. I know you wear two pairs of socks in the winter. I know that if you were to get a flat tyre you would rather call the AA than get on the ground and change the wheel. I know you sleep too little and worry too much. I know you get pain in your right hip, particularly in the damp or the cold. I know Edward Campbell is the only man you've ever really fallen in love with. I know-"

"OK, I get it. You know me," she admitted with a sigh, though she was rather touched that he paid so much attention to her.

His smile was slightly smug as he leaned back, and she so wanted to kick him under the table. Despite her misery, his smile was infectious and she felt her lips twitch slightly in amusement at the way he was so sure of his own observations. Of course, all his observations were completely correct, even if he didn't really know the reasons behind some of the things he could see. She hadn't realised he paid such close attention to her. He noticed things about her even her mother and Edward had never picked up on before. Mundane things, like time-checking habits, but he had noticed all the same.

She felt him reach for her hand, squeezing it tightly. "I know you're in pain. I know you've probably cried for half the day. I know you're hiding something. The thing I _don't_ know is what you're hiding," he told her. "And I want to know."

"Why?" she asked, and again her tone was laced with hostility, though this time more subtly and less threateningly.

"Because..." he began. Her attention was taken again by her father, who was smiling sweetly at her. He nodded his head, as if to say he didn't mind if Ric knew the whole truth. "Serena!" Ric shot at her to take back her attention. "I want to know because, contrary to what you probably believe, I care about you."

Serena shook her head. "You would _hate _me, Ric. I would rather keep you in the dark than have you hate me." With that she got to her feet and headed to the lift, pressing the button. She had no patience, however, and a need to escape, so she abandoned the lift and started climbing stairs methodically and deliberately with no real thought for the man she was running from.

But she should have known that Ric Griffin would not give up so easily. "Serena!" his voice called up the stairs to her. She hadn't even heard him coming after her. On the landing, she stopped walking against her judgement; she turned around to see him walking up the steps, and she froze. "I won't hate you. I _can't_ hate you."

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to leave me a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: So. Happy New Year. Thanks, as always, to everyone who is reading and reviewing :)**

**Sarah x**

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Serena watched Ric intently as he stood before her; what was he playing at? Why did he persist with her every time she tried to walk away? She stepped back from him when his stare started to burn through her, realising with great discomfort that he saw more than she wanted him to see; she hadn't known that he could read her like that.

"Ric," she said quietly and hoarsely, her voice broken with agony. "Please, just leave me alone. _Please_." She turned and walked away but he pulled her by the hand off the bottom step back onto the landing. When he forced her to turn, his arm snaked around her upper back. The contact moved something within her, causing her eyes to sting with tears. It was testament to her humanity and therefore her fragility that she unwillingly leaned into him rather than struggle against his kindness.

At the bottom of the stairs, near the door of the lowermost stairwell, stood her father, just gazing up at her. A broken man staring up at his broken daughter, he looked as haunted as she was feeling. She was convinced people thought she was crazy by now. She gave her ex-husband a fair smack in the one situation that he really didn't deserve it. A couple of hours later she had kissed him. Mary-Claire Carter had jumped the toilet stall to see that she made it out of the bathrooms and back into the fire she had to face. She had broke down on top of Jac Naylor, of all people, and Elliot Hope had felt the need to wish her well, hug her and kiss her cheek. And now Ric was trying to break through to her, and she was terrified to let him for fear he would despise her.

Normally she could not care less what people thought of her, but this was different. This was a matter so deeply ingrained in her, so much a part of her, that she had to respect that people would take different views on it of they knew – hence why she kept it all a secret until now.

"Is Edward's face any better?" she asked as a distraction from the figure staring up at her.

"Not really," Ric admitted. "There's still swelling on his cheek, jaw and nose. It'll get worse before it gets better. But then you know that." How did he know she was avoiding the subject? It was like he knew her intention before she even finished what she was beginning. It was so frustrating that for a moment she wanted to turn around and throttle him. Even if he irritated her with good intent, she was annoyed by his foresight.

Together they stood, backs to the wall, and she felt the reassuring weight of his hand on her side, his arm around her back. They sank to the floor and just sat together as Serena contemplated the whole situation in silence.

In her eyes, this was her own fault. She shouldn't have gone with her father. But would he have done it anyway? Would he have stepped out if he had not been able to see his daughter one last time? She had told herself for so long that he wouldn't have but time and experience brought home the fact he was ill and his mind hadn't worked right. So maybe he would have. She would just never know.

Today she had been taken by surprise and it had forced it all to the surface of her own mind, causing her to slam up against her own walls – the walls that, ironically, she had built to protect herself. It had influenced her emotions and her mentality. It had caused her to throw punches and harsh words, and break down bit by bit until she everything she had created, the persona she kept, was stripped away.

Serena looked around at Ric, her face mere inches from his. "Ric, I am so sorry," she said. "My behaviour today has been completely out of line."

She waited for his response but a verbal one never came; instead he just squeezed her into his side for only a moment. Was that her forgiven? As simply and as easily as that?

"Why are you..." she began, but she couldn't find the right words to describe what he was doing without sounding like a right old sap. She searched his face for any indication that he had some kind of ulterior motive. All she saw was that he was worried, and that he was staring at her with the same intensity she stared at him.

Ric seemed to see right through her when he said, "You know, I just want you to be able to stop hurting. That's all I want." She took that as a probably rightful dig at Edward, and realised that, actually, Ric Griffin held more respect for her than Edward Campbell did. A theory he quickly proved. "And I wouldn't kiss you, even if you asked me to."

Serena raised an eyebrow at him. "Am I really that repulsive?" she demanded.

"Not at all," he replied, seemingly affronted by her apparent offence at his words. "But I know that you would only be even more confused by it, and I wouldn't do that to you!" he insisted.

In spite of her pain, she let a smile break across her face. "Joking," she assured him. "I'm only joking. You are _so_ easy to wind up."

"Speak for yourself," he grumbled. He smiled slightly nonetheless, accepting that her sense of humour had not evaded her completely. "So. Are you going to tell me?" he asked her softly.

"Tell you what?" she retorted. She didn't want to tell him. What if he couldn't stand by what he said? What if he ended up hating her? It would have been more than she could take for Ric to hate her. She didn't even know if he would hear her out.

Zosia March passed them, shooting them a look of confusion, and it dawned on Serena that the young doctor would have seen what happened on Darwin. And she had spotted Zosia and Jac speaking earlier on, and they had looked worried as the had glanced into Mrs. Munro's room. She knew the F1 had a love for psychiatry, and she only hoped there would be no psychoanalysing of her reactions and situations today.

Her attention was drawn by Ric once more when he spoke as Zosia rounded the corner out of sight and through the door to the cafeteria. "Why you punched Edward. Why you kissed him. Why you've been crying," he listed. "Oh, and why you think I will hate you." She sighed slightly, knowing she would have to tell him sooner or later. He would not give up until she told him. "Who is she?" Ric asked. "Mrs. Munro. Who is she?"

"She was my teacher for Primary Six and Seven," Serena replied gently.

"You went to school in Scotland?" He sounded surprised, and she knew why. There wasn't a trace of Scotland in anything she said or did, and she had trained herself out of all the learned behaviour instilled into her in primary school.

"For a few years," she allowed. "I left when I was eleven. Moved back to Surrey with Mum." She looked around to see a look of confusion on his face.

"Why didn't your dad go with you?" he asked her. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall; he had already said he knew she grew up with only her mother. How he knew that, she wasn't sure, but she had to accept that he had watched her and figured her out.

"He was dead and buried," she admitted. It came out harsher than she had intended, but it was the truth and it could not be avoided.

"I'm sor-"

"Don't," she stopped him. When she risked a glance at him, she saw he was taken aback by her reaction. "Don't be sorry. Not for me. Be sorry for my mother. She's the innocent in all this," she acknowledged. Though Adrienne had lied, she had done so with the best of intentions with only one goal: to protect her daughter.

"You're an innocent too, Serena," he said.

"I'm a killer. How can I be an innocent?" she asked. Now she had said it, there was no taking it back. "He's dead because of me." Contrary to her expectations, she found saying it easier this time around. The ache in her heart remained but the acute ripping and breaking had diminished, allowing her heart to open to the man next to her. "If I had stayed in my bed, he might have lived."

"What happened?"

"He was ill. Well, I didn't know that," she allowed. "I didn't think he ill like _that_. I didn't know his mind was broken. You know the old psych hospital in Hillside? Sunnyside?" she asked him. He nodded slightly. "That's why we moved to Scotland, so they could treat him."

Ric didn't speak for a moment, but he put his arm around her shoulders. "You lived with a mentally ill parent?"

"I can remember he wasn't always ill. It started when I was about four or five. I remember he used to lose the plot over nothing," she explained quietly. "The highs usually made him hyper and scatterbrained. He didn't sleep. He spoke absolute rubbish. He got drunk and bought ridiculous things we didn't even need. And then there were the bad times," she recalled. "The times when he tried to kill Mum. He battered her black and blue and he didn't even know what he was doing. He tried to kill himself a few times and that was when Mum put her foot down," said Serena. She realised only now that this was the first time she had explained exactly what her dad was like in the last few years of his life. "Only I didn't know that. At the age of seven, how could I know he was so ill?"

"You couldn't," he said. "What happened to him?" She looked at him, terrified to tell him how her actions had set deadly wheels in motion. Her father walked up the stairs towards her and leaned against the banister; she felt his stare burning through and looked away. "Serena?"

"When I was eleven, he escaped Sunnyside in the dead of night," she explained. "He came for me and, being an idiot, I climbed out my window and went with him. He took me to the train tracks and we stood there. When I heard a train coming, I walked off the tracks but he stayed and the train came and..."

"It hit him," Ric finished for her. She nodded silently. "So how can all this be your fault?"

"I shouldn't have let him die," she explained. Wasn't that obvious?

"If you hadn't, you'd be dead too," he reminded her. "Eleanor would never have been brought into this world. Edward wouldn't have had a wife in you, or a child with you. Your mother would have been alone in the world. I never would have met you. The lives of everyone you know would be a little emptier."

She stared into his eyes and saw his words were sincere and genuine, and it warmed her slightly to realise he would miss her if she wasn't there. "I shouldn't have gone with him in the first place," she added.

"You were a child," Ric protested. "You couldn't know any better."

She was deeply shocked that he hadn't got up and walked away from her in disgust. She had been expecting him to tell her she was stupid for going with him, and cold-blooded for allowing her own dad to die. "You don't hate me?" she asked hesitantly.

Ric shook his head, pulling her in tight. "No. I think you've been through hell and you're still here to tell me the tale," he replied. She hesitated for a moment before she allowed her head to fall gently onto his shoulder. She felt his hand move up and stroke her hair and her cheek, his arm still around her. "You can't have known what would have happened. It's not your fault. None of it is. You can stop torturing yourself."

She nodded and leaned into him, watching her dad vanish into thin air, Mary-Claire Carter walking through the spot he had only a moment ago stood in. The young redhead gave her a warm, understanding smile from the top of the next stairwell, and Serena smiled back. Mary-Claire had been right. Facing it was better for her than to keep running for the rest of her life.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to leave me a review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


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